Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Worst Case Scenarios

I am the queen of thinking of the worst case scenarios. I am a total pessimist and let’s face it; a lot of bad luck seems to befall me. Bad luck which is mostly my fault but still crap stuff happens to me.

1. I cannot sleep right now even though it is 1.15am and I have to pick up my granny at 11am. Why? Because when I got home from work there as a giga-cockroach in my room (almost as big as the one from Men in Black). My worst case scenario is not that it will get on my stuff or crawl on me but that I will wake up at 4am chewing on it.

2. My hypochondrium plays a big part in this too. If I have gas or a stomach ache then its bowel cancer(it couldn’t be that I just ate a whole pack or peri peri jerky), if my gums hurt then I have gum cancer(it couldn’t be that I had just flossed). I think you get the picture. My latest fave illness is ectopic pregnancy. For those of you who don’t watch Grey’s Anatomy (losers) or have never taken the morning after pill (frigid bitch) that is where the fertilized egg embeds in the fallopian tube, starts to develop and then BAM your fallopian tube bursts and you can die(worst case scenario) or become infertile(best case scenario). I AM NOT EVEN PREGNANT! (If my mum finally decides to go against the advice of my brother’s girlfriend and read the blog then yes I am in fact a virgin who hands in all her assignments on time and watches the Huggabunch every day.)

3. That brings me to my next WCS, when I’m super hungry I think I’m pregnant. The main problem lying within the fact that I am always hungry. Always.

4. At the end of the semester when I haven’t handed in my last assignments I automatically assume that I’m suspended from uni. Actually that is probably a valid assumption. Still, best case scenario was my actual punishment (academic probation WOO!).

5. When my friends don’t answer their phones then that means they hate me. In actual fact they are just asshole.

6. When my tooth hurts then I need a root canal.

7. When I go to hospital to get my wisdom teeth out I’m going to die. Actual thought running through my head in the OR Fuck well this is it, probably won’t wake up. Damn that male nurse is hot; I wish I wasn’t wearing this fucking hat.

8. I constantly fear that people think I am coming onto them when I’m drunk. I’m not; I’m just a sleazy person. I basically hate dudes.

9. I pretty much think I am going to end up as a junkie whore with 4 kids that hate me, a hobo tan and that I’ll wear cargo pants (shudder). Or that I’ll end up like the bike lady who rides around Subiaco yelling about how great Australia is (I heard she was normal once too). I am at least optimistic enough to think that if I get a nice apartment with ample space to sew and write then maybe I can make something of myself. But as it stands I am currently perched on the end of my bed, keeping an eye out for the cockroach and about to pour a third glass of wine.

10. An especially bad WCS is my future relationship status. I have concurrent fears of ending up an alone spinster and ending up married to a boring twat who ends up being a pedophile. It probably doesn’t help that just about everyone I know who is married fucking hates their spouse or lives under thinly veiled ignorance of how vile their husband/wife truly is.

It all reminds me of a story my mum told me. When she was in school my grandpa went for his morning swim and didn’t come back. When my mum, her 3 sisters and 2 brothers came home from school my grandma sat them down and told them (without evidence) that their father was dead. He came home a couple hours later. Apparently he had spotted a shark, hailed down some people in a boat and they had insisted on looking for the shark for 11 hours before they dropped him off at the shore.

I guess it’s just hereditary.

3 comments:

24KGOLDSLUMCOMPUTERWIZARD said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
24KGOLDSLUMCOMPUTERWIZARD said...

Flying cockroaches are the worst, i hate them. but love to hunt them.
i like to think of myself as a great white hunter a'la allan quartermaine when i'm on the creep.

Word verification- CRONSEN
Word definition- Charles Bronsen's nickname in primary school

Scagnetti said...

That last paragraph made my jaw drop