How To Win At Life

I really like writing "how to's". It means I get to tell everybody what to do, but I'm disguising it as "helpful hints" that I'm kindly giving you, you know, for your own good. I like telling people what to do because I think I'm great. Don't laugh, you probably do it too. Like when your gal is telling you a story about some shit bitch, you're all "The nerve! I would never do anything like that! I can't believe she went there!!" and what you really mean is "everybody should be more like me, then this kinda shit would never happen".

Anyway, in this installment of Everybody Should Be More Like Me, I am going to be addressing the alarming problem affecting each and everyone of us, every day: beef. As in like the rap definition of it. The C.O.D. policy has always been NO BEEF JUST BURGERS, because we can't be bothered holding stupid grudges against stupider people when we could be hi-fiving each other and eating grilled chicken burgers 24/7. That policy doesn't always hold in real life because we get our big dumb feelings hurt all the time and we get angry. Woopsie! Some common things people have beef over:

- anything to do with bfs/gfs/ex-bfs/ex-gfs
- bumping into someone in a bar
- gay shit

I should clarify that when you have a big fight with your best fwends/famiry/bfs/gfs, that's not beef. That's a fight and it's probably about something important and you should yell a lot until things work out. Beef normally involves people who are not crucial to your every day life.

BUT beef is annoying nonetheless. It means you can't go to that party cause whatshisface will be there and you can't go to that bookshop because SHE might be working etc. LIFE IS TOUGH. Imagine if you had beef with someone who worked at Nandos and you could never get Nandos again. It would be so sad!!! You are probably crying right now. Donut worry, I've come up with a fool proof solution!

The solution: faking it. Whoah. Next time someone "makes eyes" at your boyfriend or has sex with your ex-best friend who you used to have a crush on, fake like you don't care. I've faked that I don't care for so long that I ACTUALLY don't care anymore. I can eat at any Nandos in the tri-state area! Faking it is also a good way to resolve beef that has already started and will probably never end. Just be all "Hey, look I don't rly care anymore, let's just truce!". You're lying! It doesn't matter cause they don't matter!

I guess the real solution is not caring and realising that 99% of social drama is retarded. Like are you really gonna still care about someone making out with your bf/gf/ex-bf/ex-gf in 2 years time? Yah no. And I fall over so much on my own it doesn't really matter about someone knocking me at the Scotsman and if someone makes fun of me, I never really had a ego in the first place. Yeah!

Faking is still fun though, when it comes to people that don't really matter. I fake that I like all my co-workers but I really only like this one old lady. I fake that I like my classmates but they are pretty much all giant knobs. I fake that I like customers but I want to eat their faces off. I have to fake-like and then sometimes I actually like. Wouldn't it be weird if you could outwardly hate everyone until they prove themselves to be decent human beings? TOPSY-TURVY!! The only time my faking really ends is when I'm on public transport and I death stare anyone who looks at me. I don't know, being grumpy just looks cuter when you're on a bus.

Some people think that "being fake" is a bad personality trait. Um I have like 300 facebook friends (not really). They're all into it. It's like some people think "being judgemental" is a bad personality trait. I'm obviously milking that one too. Fake-like like there's no tomorrow!!

Love Clare xoxo

Latest Things People are Googling to Get to Dardia

It used to just be Cameron Stack and Mick Zing but wanna know the latest?

Search Terms people are entering to get to our blog -

Ryan Boserio High IQ

I am a Cutter

Sweet Cartoon Character

Yacht Gracey

How To Write A University Essay

by Clarke Weldon.

I have been at university for 5 years now. My degree takes a long time. This is a guide on how to write Arts essays, in specific English Literature and Philosophy ones. I'm not being tongue in cheek or NUFFIN, this is actually how I get good grades.

It's fun to think of me being in first year, writing these cute little essays full of my own whimsy and personal opinions. They got OK grades, but they never reached the High Distinction holy grail. As I've gotten older and more cynical, I've finally realised how to win at university. All you need is: excellent comprehension skills (about year 10 level) and a good grasp of the English language, that or a thesaurus.

Here is the first and most important rule*: You have your own original ideas on the essay topic? DON'T MAKE ME SICK. Who the fuck do you think you are. If your theory hasn't been written about before by some renowned critic, then it is most likely retarded, completely missing the point or inconsequential. This especially applies to philosophy. Completely disregard any original thoughts you have. Just say no! I handed in an essay draft this semester, and just for funsies I put one paragraph in of my own personal opinions. The marker sent it back with that paragraph circled and written next to it was "This isn't necessary". Of course it's not!

*The only person who can escape this rule is a true genius. You are most likely not a genius.

What are you meant to write then? Easy. All my essay questions I've received ever relate back to some topic we've studied in class. Duh. All topics have a reading list in the unit guide where the lecturer has selected out the critics he/she thinks are on the ball. Most of the time, there are critics listed who write from opposing sides about your topic. READ URRRTHING ON THE READING LIST. If you don't have a reading list, go to your lecturer and whine "I'm having trouble finding good articles about my topic, I just really need some help, my dog died!!!". If they don't help, you can make BFF with GoogleScholar. Click on Scholar Preferences next to the search button. Scroll down to "Library Links" and write in the name of your university. Click "find library" and then you can gain access to all the articles your school pays for from the comfort of your own home.

So once you've read everything, extract the parts that relate to your essay question. This is the comprehension part. This is going to be 90% of your essay. Make sure to name the theorists i.e. "Or as Frege theorises..." and then rephrase their theories in your own words. This is the English language part. The rephrasing shows you understand the theories. Organise the theorists in a logical, flowing manner. Your essay is ALMOST done. Make sure you are not just blindly listing theories, they have to relate and kinda answer the essay question.

This next part is really important. To give your essay a touch of the personal, you choose which theorists you like, and which you don't. After addressing each theorist, write some sentence like "I personally do not agree with Freud's account because..." or "In my opinion, Farrell's theory is certainly on point as..." and list some reason. This makes it seems like you've really put a lot of thought into it. You haven't! You can add an extra paragraph in to your essay perhaps reconciling the differences between opposing theorists, or just summarising which theorist you are siding with.

I like to make my conclusions a bit cute. I sum up my answer to the essay question, reiterate my major point (which theorist I like) and then I drop a little banger: perhaps one of my own original thoughts, a question that my essay gives rise to that would be interesting to consider next....just something a bit left of the centre to prove to your lecturer you are an original thinker, when you're really not.

Now you may be all "I don't care about grades, I care about personal integrity in my academic career!!". That's cute. This just in: employers* care about HDs, not about you expressing yourself as an individual. For them, HDs = intelligence, even though, you know, it doesn't.

*This probably doesn't apply to fine arts or anything where you have a "portfolio".

So you can see that writing an essay isn't really about what YOU think, it's about organising existing theories in a concise and clear manner. I 100% guarantee this method to get you dem HDs like it ain't no thang. University is hilarious. Don't hate the player, hate the game!!!

Love Clare xoxo

Backlash

If you want to get Ryan Boserio to tell you something that he doesnt want the world to know the recipe is follows.
Ingredients:
1 x Bing Bong
1 x Drunk Ryan
1 x Spa
1 x Packet of Cigarettes

Method:
Mix well.

After 3 hours baking he will finally admit that he does in fact love gossip.

The Second Rule of Spa Club..

.. is if you are hosting said Spa Club, make sure you change your outfit at least 4 times over the course of a meeting.

Good Night

Last night I had a lot of fun. I can tell this because:
a) I couldn't find my clothes in the morning (they were in Ryan Boserio's living room)
b) AND I had to return to the party house the next day to pick up more clothes that I had lost throughout the night.

The first rule of Spa Club is that you don't look at the water.

MS Paint Pictures You Drew When You Were 16

I am really glad that I have the internet and computers to document my youth. Because you know, they really give a huge insight into what I was going through back then. I just found a folder of old MS Paint pictures from 5 years ago. I really donut know WTF is going on.


I think that was my myspace picture for like, forever.


A bold statement.


The cat? CLASSIC. He'll never tell (you should really click on this one for deets).


Lymp Wryst.


That is a picture of my cousin, I guess I was dealing with some strong emotions about childbirth.


I guess I was also dealing with some strong emotions about being 6 years old.


OK I hactaully know what this one was about. On the F line train, this dude got accused of stealing a handbag by the fuzz so he stripped down to prove he didn't have it. My poor little virgin eyes. P.S. - that was his exact hairstyle, I still remember.


EXACTLY.

Love Clare xoxo

Desperately Seeking Lemon

I had an epiphany on Monday night. I was lying in bed watching TV while writing a list of things I need to do to get my life in order.

I was more pumped than Clare’s boss just before the 40% off Lacoste sale. I was all like “YEAH this is it! I’m going to be a different person!”

While I was writing it 30 Rock came on, Liz Lemon was talking to Kenneth Ellen about how she had just bought storage equipment and was going to get her life in order and be a new person (she too was super pumped) before getting run over by a bike messenger.

After than I just stopped writing. I realized that there is no point in trying to get my life together. I’m always going to be the girl who occasionally doesn’t shower, doesn’t sleep every Tuesday night, who tries diet fads labeled as “dangerous duds” in Famous magazine, likes to indulge in ‘second dinner’ every now and then and gets so obsessed with TV shows that she can’t focus on anything else until she has watched it beginning to end four or five times. And that’s okay.

Thoughts from last night while not sleeping

Late night TV is so weird, there was a dreamtime story about a dendrapheliac(sp?) who forgoes hunting food to look for a cloak for the tree he is in love with because “she” is cold.

And Triple J TV is so crap. I hate The Grates so much, they remind me of this awful driving instructor I had.

I went through four different driving instructors, the first was this old dude who taught my brother and all my cousins and everybody loved him. He used to jokingly tell me to open my door when I was going past Asians to knock them down and if we managed to somehow find ourselves outside of the golden triangle he’d tell me to watch out because it was “boong (sp?) Country”, he was super weird. He also used to tell me I was a bogan for wearing black nail polish; didn’t he understand I was trying to show my inner turmoil via my exterior self?

The second was this totally cute guy who didn’t really teach me anything, he just made me drive around Mosman Park looking at all the giant houses, then one day a new guy showed up. I heard the cute guy lost his license from drink driving.

The third was this SUPER weird guy. He was always trying to impress me with his shit music taste which mostly revolved around Regina Spektor (sp?) and the Grates. He always used to talk about his girlfriend who I am pretty sure was fake. He would ask me weird favors like coming over to his house to set up his iPod, you know, because it’s the hard. And he would ask me fashion advice, like one time he said he was going to the Big Day Out with his fake girlfriend and he was all “what should my fake girlfriend wear to the Big Day Out? She doesn’t like her legs” and I was all “pants, dickhed”.

And then a week before my test he was going on about how excited he was about going to Broome that week and I was like “well my test is on Monday” and he was like “Oh yeah I forgot about that…you’re not ready”. I mean shit; I had had like a million lessons. So my mum flipped the shit and called him and he actually said I was at about the same level as his Asian students.

So I called his boss and told them about how he had taken me on the freeway multiple times even though I was only on first phase Ls, how he made me practice reverse parallel parking in a bus bay on Mounts Bay Road in peak hour traffic and how he made me park in a bus bay in the city while he went into an antique store to buy a present for his fake girlfriend and didn’t deduct it from the fees. Such a creep. I bet you I could find him on Adultmatchmaker.com; I bet he’s into “toys” and being bossed around.

But back to Triple J TV. They are all such WANGS, they’re all in their mid-thirties and you can totally tell they used to rave hard in the nineties, and not in a good way. And they never have anything bad to say about any music ever even though a lot of the shit they play is fucking awful (Australian Hip-hop? Ewwwww).

Other things I thought about:



I wondered if this was for realsies for a pretty long time.



Sarah Palin's vagina



That time I had a rash.



Mmmmmmm

You Know How We Do 2

Shape Night Club -


Joshy being retarded since before time existed.

Things I have discovered lately

• Crystal Clear is a great home pregnancy kit.

• I am not pregnant.

• A Coles green bag filled with 2 minute noodles that are still fried, and not baked. (They expired in 2005 and 2006).

• Picking an animal out of a tank and someone cooking it for you and then you eating it is really great, but only when it's an ugly crustacean.

• I am actually capable of empathy.
  

• Sometimes people aren't looking at you on public transport because you are hot/they like your outfit/they wish they were you but because you in fact look like you have a giant birdnest in your hair and there is a booger on your face.
  

You Know How We Do

Shape Night Club -



Keeping me in Lobbers and XOLobster since 2007.

Gaaaaaaaaaaay

Someone has done this all over uni.



This should be an ad for Murdoch with the caption "want to meet a bunch of pretentious socialists with a self-righteous attitude and low IQs? Come to Murdoch, you'll be swimmin' in it".

Soooooooooo arty.

Best Friends Forever!!!

Vroom, Oh hi Queefy, can you go through the drive thru and get me a queef burger with cheese?



This is Amy Dizzle Televizzle aka Thrizzle
I used up my memory card taking photos of her.
She is LITERALLY retarded (much like the person in the first photo).
My mum and I have a bet going about how big her brain really is (She thinks pea size but I think peanut size) except my mum says I have to pay to get her taxidermed. :(
She is my rock.

All I want for christmas

A warning: this site is pretty gross. I just want to be warm.

Facebook Chat Highlights 14/5

5:56pmJoel
the woman said two men rubbed their penises in her face while other men stood watching and masturbating.
5:56pmGemma
Wahhhh?
5:58pmJoel
have you ever been in this situation
5:59pmGemma
no, not exactly
5:59pmJoel
your not living

Yeah, I have never actually met this guy. I found him on the murdoch myspace page when I was researching an article about cyber-bullying around 2 years ago, I gave him props for being mean to some fundamentalist Christian dude. I never talk to him but occasionally he'll email me some innuendo/yucky talk or an Alan Partridge reference.

Competition

The competition to win a badge made by resident COD designer and amatuer therapist Jane Donut closes tomorrow at around noon. So get in your crazy/quirky/vintage/cool anecdotes before it is too late.



axe_da_cod@hotmail.com



I tried to unlock my car with my thumb drive :(



Love J-Do

Less wahwahwah more nomnomnom

Isn’t it fucked up when you are watching late night tv and an infomercial for pimple cream comes on and the people giving testimonials CRY??? I mean really, there are people who have had to flee to Australia from war torn countries who must be watching them going “Yeah I watched my mum get kicked to death for letting her hijab slip but sure I guess hysteria over red spots on your face is warranted”.

I mean shit, I get dozens of emails every week from poor Africans who can’t even access millions of dollars they’ve inherited from their dead father without my help. I’m just glad there is something I can do.

Jobs advertised in yesterday's paper that I should apply for

Yoga Instructor



"Hey I didn't have any paper so I just wrote my resume on this burger. I'm going to need that back though"

Christian Gift Shop Storeperson



"Hey I didn't have any paper so I just wrote my resume on the back of this copy of Edward Penishands I carry around with me. I'm going to need that back though"

Chicken Boner



"I'm just looking to try new things"

die die my darling

FYI: winter is all about... having cup o soup every night before you go too bed (cheese optional), watching tv series for minimum time blocks of 4hrs, almost too cold too smoke outside, buying new warm clothes especially grey hoodies that are super soft, eating icecream even though you are frezzing yr balls off, attenta too get you through the night, denim jackets, listening too good music so yr not as pissed off when you have too drag yrself out of bed in the morning..

anything else?

many sail-utations

while wearing animal masks is so obviously NOT right now... neither are stripes. or wispy side fringes. or gobbie pouts. YOU LITTLE FAGGOT!!

Clarke Weldon's Thought of the Day

Taking photos of your friends wearing animal masks is like soooo one billion years ago. Plz stop.

Love Clarke xoxo

Things I have purchased lately

Clearly I am a girl who alternates between eating salt and pepper squid and smoking champion ruby while reading a Christopher Pike Novel, wearing tims.

Oh to be 20 again!!!

Have you ever taken acid? Yeah me either. If you WERE to take acid though you might draw some amazing pictures of this guy.



Pelsey is the BFF of infamous mustachioed dream boat Andrew Murray. He goes by the nicknames Palhal, Pepe, Pompom and Helen.




"Oh God, I'm a lamp" he exclaimed





This one is by Clare, I just drew the face



This one is by a fellow called Booerns



And you thought the original was sad



And finally my personal favorite by Krystal.

It's amazing that a talented person like me is STILL out of a job (Someone give me a job please! I'll kiss you on the face!)

Ps. Entries for the competition mentioned earlier close on Friday the 15th of May. We have already recieved one email from none other than Andrew Murrassey.

Don't you wish yr girlfriend did blogs like me?

Last night I mad some badges so I was thinking of maybe having a COD competition. Send me your fave COD story (for example something that has happened to you involving one or more of us or just a general anecdote you feel is in the spirit of dardia) and I will give you a badge for your very own.







There is also one with Zac Efron, another with Dr McDreamy (not to be mistaken for Dr McSteamy) and one with that bitch Anna Wintour just to name a few.

I doubt this will interest anyone and I'll bet my first born son (if I hadn't already swapped him for a guitar) that the Zac Efron one will end up going to Jack.

Burt anyway send your shit to axe_da_cod@hotmail.com.

Reasons why I am a bad person to live with

• I am totally caveman protective of my stuff
• When I run out of money I will guilt you into giving me some of our food. It’s kind of like when you have two goldfish or two cats and you set out the food for both of them but the more dominant one eats all the food and gets really fat while the other one stays really little and you think it’s pretty funny but it is actually kind of sad. And you always think that the dominant one is a fucking bitch but I axe you this; which one always dies first? Hey? Yeah bitch, the weak one (aka Clare)
• If I do something embarrassing or dumb I will lie on your floor chanting “I want to die” for approx. an hour even after you’ve told me to get the fuck out because it is like 1am.
• I will generally bitch about my crappy life non-stop but will not take on board any of your suggestions to better it.
• Clare indulged me with my inventive cussing but I’m pretty sure it pissed her off.
• I’ve lived in four share houses and I have been evicted from one. That’s a 25% chance I’ll get you evicted.
• I’ll leave knives IN THE GODDAMN SINK. Jk only crazy people care about that. Haha personal joke.
• I secretly love Chris Isaak (shhhhhhhhhhh)
• I love The View and I'm not ashamed to admit it.
• Eventually you’ll find that your friends are still coming over but it’s to see me because I am cooler than you

Lucky for the world I live alone now.

NOT A BIKE BLOG

But oh hai new wheels in perfect working order:



I picked up this sweet lil thing on the curbside collections in Nedlands. The seat's padded, for my giney comfort.

Love Clare xoxo

my one true love?

oh how i long too know the ins and outs of yr intricate personality and many facades. so interesting! i will go intoo battle, get sore hands even, all for that never ending pleasure you bring. who are you? the playstation demo disc. the freebie that i will never forget.

including:

PARAPPA THE RAPPER the game i never even knew that anyone else ever knew exsisted until ben menzies mentioned it in his blog, probably prompting a huge reissue of the game and an increased sale in playstation consoles (vintage!)

TEKKEN oh my, one of the characters has the exzact same name as me!! omg i dont know how too play but pressing ever button at random intervals or just pummeling the controller with my fist seems too get me like, 1 million points. kapow.

THAT GAME WHERE YOU ARE A BOUNCY BALL probably japanese in origin. what the fuck im a ball and i have too make my way round alternate obsatcle courses that are just, you know hanging around in the atmosphere but watch out for thoose spikes, theyll sure burst youre bubble (yr a ball, remember?)

the sibling rivalry you prompted was unforgettable, moving even. many good times. even better than that time in yr5 where we made a "goosebumps club" which pretty much consisted of ppl making out in our backyard cubby then agreeing that the goosebumps book series was, indeed an ace read. HAH

up youres ziggy with a waa waa brush

anyone whoose had too work in customer service//retail//hospitality//human slave trade etc. will understand the everyday "perils"  of the workplace that may indeed turn you intoo a retarded little bitch.

case study no# 1 NO I DONUT THINK YR FUNNY AND NO I DONT WANNA DATE YOU ETC. YOU MAKE ME SICK. 

lets see upon greeting you i explain that there are currently no tables available and you may have too wait too enjoy yr gourmet food etc. come on, its only FOOD if yr really that hungry go eat some low carb trail mix available at yr convienece!! (NOT) what about that table! you exclaim pointing in the direction of the childrens table. "NO" i reply politely while you and yr gaggle of 'buds' punch each other in the balls and laugh hystericly. so you decide too order takeaway.. mispronouncing everything from the name of the establishment down too the morsell of meat yr about too consume.

i ask you for a name for the order you give me a shit eating grin, say something common and annoying like "dave" funny how yr crappy name sums you up hey? (sorry any cool daves we may meet in future) want my number too? you ask. i say nothing. seriously, if i wanted too get all "down town" with you i probably would have avoided this awkward moment IE. BEAT IT.

case study no#2 SIT THE FUNK DOWN! SHUT THE FUNK UP!

yr loiterring in the doorway kind of looking like you have a giant diarrhoea storm welling up inside of you and yr all dumbfounded and kind of donut know what too do. i ask if you would like directions too the bathroom you explain you are "just looking" and i advise you that if you would like a table i may direct you too one. you, unwillingly, follow me. when we arrive at the table i pass you a menu and let you know too order at the end of the counter when you are ready. you are still not sitting down. i explain too you that if you would like too dine in it would be a good thing too sit down seeing as ppl are swooping in constantly and jerking the outgoings out of their barely left seats. you put yr stupid face real close too mine and i can see yr bulbus, middle aged, red, sweaty nose shining so brightly in front of me i almost feel like stabbing you with a closeby ladel so as too regain a clear path of vision. 

you start throwing a fit "ive never been here before I DONT KNOW WHAT TOO DO, WHAT DO I ORDER?!" before slumping intoo the chair.

i proceed too read the whole freaking menu aloud, suggest something for you too order etc. etc.

i just really dont know where too begin on what about you pissed me off. you were like the worst enemy i had never met. the long lost nemesi. the insanity too my sanity. dear god.

SO, if you see me out, im sitting there with the angry face on and you ask me why i look so morose and i reply i hate you...

its sincerly not you. and its not me either. ITS EVERYONE ELSE.

and if i have pissed you off, dear reader with my spelling errors and manic punctuation.. 

just choc chill. or choc supershake. whatever.

Break it down now

I have been reading The West Australian pretty much every day to keep up on news for class. I have also been reading The Sunday Times which has been killing me a little more than The West.

Since I have to read it and so you don't have to here is a run down of today's paper.

Rob Broadfield: still a wank. Insider cover has always been ridiculous. Remember someone got busted for plagiarising its content? Or making it up? I can't remember. I can honestly say that I don't care about Patti Chong or that someone has 'spotted' a politician smoking. And if you care about such things you need more excitement in your life.

I also don't care if a priest goes for the dockers and claims that "It's clear from the response which team God barracks for". Ummmm I think if there is a God she cares about football even less than I do. I'm pretty sure she has more important things to worry about, like daylight savings.

What was quite funny was that someone did some graffiti on that stupid clothes store ELLE saying "stop using Banksy to sell (something)". I'm not sure if it is lame or cool to like Banksy. From what I know about him (I did an assignment on him/culture jamming a couple years ago) it is a bit like Che and the shirts/wallets/bags etc that most likely have him rolling in his grave. An expensive clothing boutique using Banksy to sell their shit (which is probably made by children getting paid $1 a week in China) would in all likelihood piss him off. But who knows, he probably has bigger things to think about, like daylight savings.

Today's news in dot point

• kids are dumb
• people actually think daylight savings is a big deal
• the economy is fucked
• the environment is fucked
• picture of the environment minister prompts the age old question involving carpets and drapes
• Tim Tams are a baby food?
• old people like caravans
• 1.5 million Australians really had nothing better to do than watch the Logies. Myself included
• The price of adding bacon added to your favorite McDonald's burger will go up, I will cry
• People in Australia play sport competitively

And my personal fave from today: a big page six feature on youths in the city at night by Gabrielle Knowles and Dawn Gibson.

Highlights include,

• A picture of a 20 year old girl standing near my old apartment not wearing shoes. It claims that she is a hooker to support a heroin addiction and that she has been doing the whole loitering-in-the-city-at-night-bogan thing for years. she is quoted as saying "it (the curfew) is a good theory but it doesn't really work because they just take you home to the people with whom you have the problem". come on Gabrielle Knowles, I don't believe a 20 year old street hooker with a heroin addiction would be that articulate. Maybe a brothel hooker or a high class hooker but no street hooker has ever said "whom".

• "About 2am, just around the corner outside the 24-hour McDonald's on William street, A 14-year-old boy was wolfing down a quarter-pounder and smoking a cigarette between bites. He told a few friends that he was "drunk and pinging", meaning that he was high on ecstasy". Wolfing? I wonder who they asked for a translation of "pinging", do you think they googled it? and it must have been some shit Ecstasy if he was hungry enough to eat a burger.

That's your news Perth, enjoy.

We're all going to get pregnant!!!

We are closer than ever to a male contraceptive pill which means that we are all closer to getting pregnant.

I'm sorry if this seems like feminist jingoism but men cannot be trusted, especially when fucking is involved. By the time the male pill is released I'll most likely be past my prime and will neither have to deal with men lying and saying they're on the pill or my friends whinging that some lying dirtbag got them pregnant, thank fuck.

Women in the past (and probs present) have pretended to be on the pill to get pregnant and lock a man down. But that doesn't really work anymore since practically every kid these days is the product of a fling or one night stand. It is totally cool for dudes to get ladies preggers and not marry them.

But if a guy pretended to be on the pill to lock a girl down then it might be different. Having a baby requires a lot of time not working and a fuck load of money so a ladee might be more inclined to ruin her life (aka get married) if some dude gets her preggs. I'm sure if any of our male readers have gotten this far into the post they are all like "men aren't like that" but there are loads of crazy, creepy, sensitive guys who want nothing more than to trap a girl in their depressing and mediocre lives.

So in conclusion I think less time should be spent on the male contraceptive pill and more on getting us this fabulous abortion pill I've been hearing all about.

Love from Doney

xoxo

Yelling-up.

How much fun is heckling? Especially when your car is full of girls and you holler at hot schoolboys (um, sorry). I am a P-plater driver so it's not that gross, I swear. We don't try to be too creative with our lines, just a general "HEY HOT STUFF" kinda vibe is expressed. If you're driving really slowly, more directed insults and compliments can be thrown out: "NICE HAIRCUT YOU LITTLE FAGGOT BITCH" etc.

Yesterday I was waiting for Gemma to pick me up at Horseshoe Bridge. I was perched daintly on the ledge in my work clothes, looking like a vision of perfection, obviously. A P-plater car full of little ratbags was approaching, I could see their hats perched on the back of their heads from a mile away. I saw them hunch up to their windows, obviously preparing for a heckle. "SUHG MAJH ITCH!!!" they yelled.

Um wtf? Learn to articulate dirtbags! I can't even retaliate if I don't know what you said. I came up with two possibilities: "SUP FAT BITCH!" or "SUCK MY DICK!" and now I don't know whether to go on a diet or to perfom fellatio on you!! WHAT'S A GIRL TO DO?

a) diet
b) bj
c) bj a hotdog

Let me know!!
Love Clare xoxo

p.s. - the worst heckling I have ever experienced was getting a bottle thrown at me on Walcott St from a P-plater four wheel drive. They missed, but then they circled around to throw another one at me and yell "FUCKING SLUT". I waited for them to come back with a wine glass in my hand to throw through their window but they never came :( :( :(.

I'm a fighter not a lover (I fixed the link)

I actually own all of these films except for Angus, my favorite movie of all time is Drive Me Crazy.

I have to say that my favorite Jezebel writer is Hortense unless she was the one who wrote that post about the top five model blogs. I mean, sure it's a low bar but can we PLEASE stop giving Sophie Ward all this positive attention in regards to her writing? In the words of Alicia Degasario of Drive Me Crazy she is "all talk, very little action" when it comes to her writing being published. And her blogs are like she is masturbating WITH WORDS. Barf. she makes me want to barf. She's so flamboyant she makes me want to set myself on fire!

Okay kidding (about setting myself on fire). A source tells me her facebook status the other day was "I want to be a model and a writer...oh wait i already am!" or something similar. Does that make anyone else angry? And has she actually published anything? I don't think she has. Just because you have a blog it doesn't make you a writer. I'm not a writer.

Love from an angry donut.

PS. I read a short story that was going into a compilation that SW was working on and it was actually worse than the story a girl in my second year creative writing class wrote. She lied and said she took acid and wrote it to impress my hippie teacher.

Please please please

Hai guys! I'm not sure if you know this but I study journalism and I have to hand in a story by 3pm today. If you DO know me then you would know the likelyhood that I still have no idea what to write about (ie: 100%).

Please help me out, let me know if anything is going on today that is even remotely newsworthy. I will kiss you on the lips or buy you a burger. If I fail this unit my mum will actually cut me into little pieces and feed me to the dog.

Email me at axe_da_cod@hotmail.com or call me if you have my number.

Love the Donut

xoxo

Yard Sale!!!

What are you doing right now? As in Sunday the 3rd of May? 

I know you aren't doing anything. Just come to 17 Alvan street in bohemian Mt Lawley and buy some vintage clothes/ breakables/ bags/ hats/ shoes from us. 

Or just come and chat/ make up for lost smooching time/ perch on the end of Nina's bed like at little Nina cat.

Love from the Donut

Ps. I am a good driver.

Driving With Gemma: Double Whammy

At the Beaufort/Walcott st intersection, stopped at a red light: "I thought this was a give way for a second there".

On Thomas St, going seventy km/h, a really big tree branch has fallen into our lane, we're heading straight for it: Me: "Uh, Gemma" Her: "Yeah I know" and then she swerves into the other lane for a bit to avoid it. Me: "What the fuck?" Her: "I thought I would just drive through it." Me: "You're fucked." Her: "Good thing no one was in that other lane, I didn't even look."

the low end theory

i am really really glamorous, fur-cereal.

last night as bashton was driving clare and i home i made him pull over so i could dive (mid spew) intoo the curb and intoo a pile of my barf.

i have a nice scratch, super tuff!

buck wild.

then we did a yardsale today and i sat on the couch blowing smoke at potential customers and i told some dude too buy these lace up high heel boots (which he spent way too long looking at BTW) for his future girlfriend and he was all, "how do you know i dont already have a girlfriend"  and i was like laughing and he was all "shes at work!"

gemma and clare came over and we ate tanpopo.

i am dead'd. (sigh)

in conclusion i made $48 today. yes!