Templates on my phone

• Ewww
• I am late. I will be there at
• I’m in a meeting, call me at
• I’m busy right now. I’ll call you later.
• I will be arriving at
• Meeting is cancelled.
• See you at
• See you in
• Please call
• I love you too
• Happy birthday
• Thank you
• I’m drunk. You should come over

Guess which two I actually use? (I’ll give you a clue, it’s not I love you too or thank you.)

SUMMER THINSPIRATION?

OMG, like, totally.

he even has the serene swan like posture, seductive eyes and all. celtic green and peachy keen. i bet he survives only on air and swallowing hundred dollah bills.. dreamboat? heavy rimming? or possibly just light rimming... its up too you.

I QUIT

I quit festivals. I have realised that I am too fucking short and I might as well stay home and watch a dvd of whatever artist I have decided that I like because I will be approx 10 bazillion times closer and be able to see 10 bazillion things more clearly than if I actually attempted to watch them at a festival. Also without grossies hanging around and smelling and touching me and I can pay $2 for a beer (or even less with a carton of Export) instead of $12. Dear dude that bloganized me yesterday, why was your shirt so fucking Orange? Who were you? Did you think I was going to bang you or run after you or make friends with you just because you screamed SEE OH DEE and then GRACEY at me? Also last night I got beaten up by a gang of Aboriginals because sometimes I don't know when to shut the fuck up. Lying on the road being kicked in the head is an entirely new experience that isn't as bad as you think it might be, it's kind of liberating. Maybe I should become a street fighter. I think I might start fighting people now that I know it's fuck all. This is my new favourite photo in the world.

DARDIA RECOMENDS

i discovered this blog sssskywhale.com

this dude is totally killing it! if youre intoo drawing and the like, definetly check it out.

NME

SPRING BREAK

yes, its true i really do have a FIVE DAY WEEKEND!

new posts soon...

in the mean time check out "menny knows whats whack" on our blogroll, apart from our own blog (which clearly we check constantly because we are lame) it is our most favouritest blog.

and neekersneakers!!

Like a hotter version of Grandmother Willow from Pocahontas

I'm still willing to answer your questions, mail them to axe_da_cod@hotmail.com





You will be totes anon.

Just don't ask me about the following because they are things I don't understand

• Twitter. I went on Gracey's twitter account and I didn't get it. I felt like everyone was joking around but I fell in the ice as a child so I just laugh and pretend I get it but everyone knows I don't.

Actually that is all, I have a supreme intellect.

Photos

Crappy photos are everywhere. That is really profound so stop and think about it for a second. It seems like everywhere you go there are a million bozos with their "Nikons" and their "Canons" taking photos of whatever it is that you went to. No exhibition, show, party or motherfucking bbq goes undocumented anymore cause no wants to let these glorious events fade into our glory days (see what I did there).

BUT I have a major problem. I don't rly like being in photos. I always seem to look like a jerk in them and I have a range of facial expressions that go from obnoxious to obnoxious. So if I don't get my photo taken at a relevant exhibition how will anyone know I'm relevant and on point? How will anyone know that me, Clarke Weldon, is an important, fashionable youth if I'm not on the party photo/street style circuit and yet still retain my anti-trend, "I hate photos and this narcissistic culture" tood?

Yeah, you're stumped and you feel bad for me. Luckily I am waaayyy smarter than you and have figured out a way to achieve my dreams, reach for the moon and ~*even if I miss I've landed amongst the stars*~ with this little baby.



PHOTOBOMBING WHY DID I NOT THINK OF THIS B4. I will be seen, I'll be in all the right photos but for all the wrong reasons! You'll see the picture in the appropriate street rag and be like "Look at the little deformity in the corner! What a wit! I bet she hates this narcissistic culture!". It's so fool proof! And I have actually (you could call me a 'pioneer' a 'trailblazer' - it's fine) already done my fair share of photobombing. I remember being at Club Bayview in 2006 or so and rolling my eyes back into my head in the background of some biff photos - who some months later actually recognised me at Amplifier and yelled "Hey Brad!! It's the Ghoul! The Ghoul! From Myspace!!". Dude actually went on to try and make out with me so I guess it's also a sexually attractive practice.

So be on the lookout for my possessed face in the b/g of dropstitch, street muse, we met last night, six thousand, drum, xpress! Love Clarke xoxo

Ye, c'mon

Axe Gemmer

Dear COD,

With november approaching, everyone is going to be growing their upper lip hair in an attempt to cure cancer. I currently sport a tash, and this has left me with 3 main concerns.

A) People will assume I have just grown the moustache for 'Movember'. This is wrong. I couldn't give a fuck about cancer.
2) Every other wanker will be wearing a moustache.
^) Ginger's seem to think that cancer research is an acceptable excuse to grow out their facial hair. It's not.

How am I supposed to express my individuality and crazy sense of humour without an ironic, borderline pubescent moustache?

regards,
Moustached in Mt Lawley

Dear Moustached in Mt Lawley,

None of us ACTUALLY care about cancer (its totally a non-issue, right?). However you could take this Movember as a time to tap into some SERIOUS poon. Tell girls that you have raised like $30,000 for cancer research and that you overcame alopecia and an allergy to your own hair to do so. You'll be rolling in the hairy walnut. Girls like nice guys almost as much as they love assholes. Maybe even go after girls that you know have just broken up with bastards, they'll be so into you they'll probs even let you piss on them in the shower.

If this isn't for you then you may have to grow the manliest and best mustache you can muster. Or just cut the damn thing off. Or get a Hitler mustache.

Here is an example of a mustache that triumphs over Movember



But some people aren't as lucky as Andrew Murrassey. It was a miracle that Mexican drifter was passing by his parents house that day 23 years ago and that his dad was at work. And that his Mum was ovulating.

So here are your choices

• lie in order to get biffed
• man it up
• cut it off
• Hitler mustache
• steal Andrew's face a la Face-Off

Other ways to show how kooky/quirky/vintage you are

• wear women's sandals
• get a tattoo on your face
• get a manly mustache tattooed on yr face
• marry your cousin
• lensless gheyferers
• start a blog with some of your rockabilly friends

Also, rangs are cute sometimes but nerrbody biffs them so dun worry.

I hope this has helped.

Love from everyone's favorite Agony Aunt,

Jane Donut

If you have a question for me send it to axe_da_cod@hotmail.com

Little Mommy Munchausen

Includes

• Tissues laced with chloroform
• 'Medicine' bottle filled with drain cleaner
• Thermometer laced with animal fecal matter
• Spoon covered in lead based paint

RETORT

this is a RETORT in honour of clares post.

me crying on the internet, 3rd degree burns style. kooky lead light glass door in pic? CHECK! a trophy display of bruises and recently washed hair? CHECK!

me trying too let my feelings be known on the internet, but after taking picture realising IM A SHIT IDIOT. IT SAYS "I WUV U QUEER WEE'DON"

sigh.

Martyr Stewart

Just in case you have been wondering what I have been spending my time doing apart from obsessively playing Barn Buddy and glaring at you on those rare occasions that I leave the house.

Third Degree Burns

Nina and I have spent the past couple weeks trying to out-burn each other. For example, we might go shopping together and I will point out a shirt I like and Nina will reply something like "Oh yeah that's cool, pretty quirky, eccentric, retro, you know, your style". Oh haHA Nina, real clever. Take this: to date, I have made fun of Nina for having a single-speed, home-made tattoos, quirky bangs, indie boobs, omg morrissey, buying tofu desserts, spending $300 at the American Apparel store, black on black vans!!, kooky furniture, kooky hospitality job etc etc (the list literally goes on and on). The most she can come up with for me is for having heaps of stripey t-shirts and for dating someone who is in Frankie magazine (haha). Clearly, I am the master of burns. Clearly.

Anyway, this leads me to write another How to Win At Life/Everybody Should Be More Like Me installment. I know one billion of you have been failing (epicly) since I stopped blogging, and I am really truly sorry that you suck your own balls so hard. This is kinda of a vague guide about how your general life attitude SHOULD be. SHOULD.

Firstly, assume everything about yourself is funny and hilarious. Like, haha, look at this stupid cafe I work in where I get psyched because I can play my own mix CDs. Haha @ my stupid sharehouse in the inner city burbs and at my wardrobe that is either on trend of quirkly off point. Even funnier is all the music/books/films/art I like and probably my hairstyle is funnier than all that COMBINED. Everything you like is dumb.

Your life goals are probably teehee: YEAH I WANT TO LIKE, WRITE A SHORT STORY AND LIVE IN NEW YORK, AND LIKE, TRAVEL or alternatively some hirarious destructive pathway I JUST WANT TO NT FEEL ANYTHING AND TAKE HEAPS OF DRUGS AND LIKE, STICK IT TO THE MAN BY PROBABLY SHOPLIFTING OR SOMETHING. My life goals are funny too, they're a combination of that but plus AND FIND A WAY TO ACCURATELY TARGET RADIONUCLIDES TO METASTASIZING CANCER CELLS as an added bonus indie omg science quirk. Probably the funniest thing about us is everything we think: I AM HAPPY AND SAD AND IN BETWEEN I LOVE SOMEONE BUT THEY DUMPED ME!! WHAT IS THE MEANING OF LIFE? WILL I EVER ACHIEVE MY LIFE GOALS? I SHOULD DRINK MORE WATER DURING THE DAY.

What is the upshot of this attitude? No one will ever ever one-up you. No one can ever win at burning you if you accept that everything about you is haha, typical and ultimately stupid. When people yell at me from their cars "ARE YOU GOING TO AN ART SHOW" I can be like "I KNOW RITE?". I remember one time Gemma was burning this dude for never having a job and living at home with his parents in a mansion in Joondalup but for having this rad bad dude with a mad bad tood thing going on, and he pretty much almost punched her in the face. If he was just like "I know, I am a big poseur!! Teehee!!" how much better would he be? Super better.

There are some things about you that are for cereal though. For example, if you had something fucked up happen to you, like someone you love dying or getting raped that is totally not funny. I'm not gonna laugh at that. On the other hand, some serious things are kinda funny: like, trying to kill yourself when you were 15 (pretty funny) or being addicted to meth (hahahaha). I'm not sure what other things are serious, probably most things about people in 3rd world countries aren't funny. Most things about the middle class are funny though.

In conclusion, I'm really funny. I'm gonna go give Nina some ointment for her burns. Love Clare xoxoxo

AXE THE C.O.D

last night i saw my lovely friend igor, for the first time since he had just returned from a european wonderland. AKA. total tan, H&M wearing jerk.

anyhow, igor complained too me that he was, in fact, entering the "amber zone". this is a reference too his WAIT. in reality he is clearly in the "green zone" which means emanciatied (thats right, i coined that phrase) boy model, thin.

when i told him this, he complained (as he has in the past) that NO, NO, NO IM IN THE AMBER ZONE. ALERT! CAUTION!1111!!!1.

so i told him (as i have in the past) that he is incorrect and is actually in the "need to take a dump" zone.

really, i do give the most salient advice. less advice more vices!

Picnic

I Hate Uncle Chandler

My 11 year old sister is a chronic sleep walker which is fucking hilarious.

The other night she poked her little head into my parents living room and said
"where's Chandler"
My mum being used to this kind of thing went along with it and said "he's gone home"
to which she replied "I hate him" and went back to bed.

In conclusion she watches too much TV.

I thought I had stopped sleep talking but Lucy Buchanan (aka 'Mitch') slept over the other night and said I was talking in my sleep about how she was a bitch or something.

Whatever, if you move to Cairns with yr borefriend yr a total bitch unless you agree to come home asap and bring yr dog.

Slim Pickins

You know how in Arrested Development George Senior gets that one armed man to teach his kids lessons? Well my mum kind of did that to me once. We were on holiday and she asked this guy who was missing his index finger to tell us that he got it stuck while picking his nose and they had to chop it off.

I only remembered this today because I was doing a worst case scenario in my car and I was like wow how shitty would it be if someone rear ended you while you were picking your nose and it got stuck.

Usually my worst case driving scenario is that I'll have a really bad accident while eating junk food and I'll be on the news under the headline "girl in coma, Grand Angus to blame" or something.

Sorry about not being a bloggernaut lately but I'm really unmotivated, I think its because my DVD player broke so I haven't been watching 30 Rock. I've just been watching season three of Skins and My So Called Life which only motivates me to get drunk and wear flannel (in that order).