Saturday, February 28, 2009

recycle! its good for the environment

im getting bored biking up and down the same old strip. 
i got too find a new place where the kids are hip!


teen dream

being a total lame girl is awesome sometimes. when the new marykate and ashlee book came out i bribed my roomie iggy  and clare (she didnt need too be bribed) too catch the bus with me too the city too go read it at borders. i didnt have the cash too buy it, obviously so the three of us sat there for ONE WHOLE HOUR and red it cover too cover. i think iggy kind of even liked it (its a great book you know)
in other news ive gone totally recluse like and deleted my mysapce (ZOMG!) and i refuse too get a facebook even though jacqui said if i donut do it shes just going too make me one anyway. pish. kat left a facebook window open on this laptop so i totally went on and made her join approx five I LOVE MK groups. now i get too look at all of the pretty pictures :)
i know she will appreciate this kind gesture.
another note on the facebook propoganda... so i fkng hate photos and i fking hate facebook yet somehow i manage too totally be on facebook, in photos and i actually dont know how.
im clearly tagged as "nina the weinor" and there is THE MOST disgusting picture of me at jo sindalls barfday standing on a chair with clare doing a really, really hearty laugh and i think i counted like 3 chins. mick zing commented it saying "lol nina" its actually the kind of poster my mum would send out too potential rapists too let them know im a no go zone, for their own good. nyaargh.


I Bang Some Real Winners (Sorry, Mom)

After perusing for hours this morning because I am too tired and sore to do anything else after coming off my bike on Vincent Street in the wee hours of Saturday Morning (going over the handlebars and hitting a wall, mind you) I have been struck by inspiration to actually spill some beans on some real winners I have picked up or been picked up by or attempted, etc over the years. While I am not actually going to post photos because a) I can't be fucked trawling around the internet for them and b) I don't actually remember some of these peoples names and c) Pretty sure I had a lot of these experiences before MySpace existed. So just use your imagination, and to help I will write a detailed description where necessary.

This place is responsible for most of these.

Story 1.

His name was Tom. It was love at first sight after he spied me wearing a purple lace Charlie Brown dress with a black bra and black bonds underwear and a beret. (HAHAHAH! I was 17.) He took me to his car where we listened to Propaghandi and drank vodka (HAHAHHAHAH!) until he started driving where I promptly vomited into my beret and then threw it out the window. I took him back to my best friends house and had some forgettable sex. In the morning he whispered in my ear.. "Hold Me." He also had weird bandaids down his back and for some reason had all the ingredients for laksa in the boot of his car. He made me laksa for breakfast and gave me his number after I told him I didn't have a phone. After I never called him, he wrote a letter to x-press asking me to call him or if anyone knew my number. True story!

Story 2.

It was my 18th birthday. I had not gone to my own birthday party and instead had ended up at Amplifier at 2am where a local, well known, quite old, indie music scene guy insisted on buying me Glenfiddich after Glenfiddich on the rocks and then smoked a cigar with me. He then told me he knew about a wicked party that we could go to! Instead he took me back to his house and made me a sandwich (which was actually pretty good) before hitting on me with the line "I want to be the oldest person you have ever slept with." I looked at him and laughed, then left his house and later found out that he has totally date raped a few girls I know. Sweet dude! No wonder you are (slightly) prematurely grey. He then added me on msn and kept suggesting I come over to "hang out."

Story 3.

I forget this guys name but I know the night was one of the drunkest I have ever been. After almost being hit by a car and being saved by a bunch of graffiti writers who then thought I was trying to "uprock" them because I kept stumbling, I sprained my ankle after jumping down off a pot plant in Amplifier. When I woke up I really needed to pee and was in some guys loft bed, fully clothed and unable to climb down because of my ankle and also the fact that I was in some hug of death grip. I could not get this goons spoonage off me. After finally pinching him really hard in the neck he woke up, helped me down and said "While I respect your decision last night to not sleep with me, I really want to have the option of changing your mind. Could we try again?" When I ummed and awwed he got really angry and said he never wanted to see me again. Fine by me dude!

Story 4.

Some douche I had been vague friends with for a couple of years took me to some romantic Kings Park spot, which was some roof that you climbed a fire escape 4 stories to get. When he went in for the kill I turned and vomited off 4 stories.

Thanks guys. Being easy is a really hard job and I'm glad I can finally do something with it like make you laugh!

Love Gracey.

Breaking News! Part 2!

Cameron Stack has started a band with Bowser! Obviously looking to crack the late teens market, which I am sure both of them will have no problem with. I am super glad Cameron has graduated from playing air instruments to toy ones.

Oh Yeah

Don't really have much to say, other than the fact that my boyfriend is a total dardy. After getting home from work incredibly tired and hungry the other night, I glanced in my fridge to be greeted with 3 cartons of eggs and the rest of the space filled with beer. After sort of sighing and then sitting down a step this total dardy messaged me saying he was riding his bike over with Tower Burgers. Amazing.


The snuggie people look like they are a cult if you watch the ad without sound (or even with) especially when they are sitting around a table looking forcefully cheerful or when they are roasting marshmellows. Gives me the hibbly jibbies.

Friday, February 27, 2009

i want to be in yr band, lets hold hands

ive decided that if i ever were too be in a band (which is virtually impossible seeing as i dont play ANY instruments and am not willing too learn and i also have a voice capable of annoying ppl from 10 metres away) im going too play in two bands.

band no#1 "the heartbreakers"
this is my non cereal band. the band where we all get mega drank and play and its still good even if its in time or whatever. the heartbreakers will cover totally banging pop tracks like britney spears slave for you but in a really trashy synth style. music you can DANCE too. or start a circle pit too. i decided that jordan (spaghetti) will be the vocalist and iggy can play guitar and ill steal rupert from shock!horror! too play bass and kat can play keys and ill be on the triangle or something along thoose lines.

band no# 2 "sanitary massacre"
this band will be composed of the 4 members from dardia. im not sure who will be doing what but gemma is our front woo-man (she has a good voice). we are pretty much going too be riot girls and sing about the perils of womanhood, tampons and many other important topics. we will make you crymax (in a good way)

morrissey says: dreams are just dreams. in this case he is probably right.

look not alikes

over the space of the last week i have had 3 super shitty comments made referring too the fact that most people have a high level of retardation and believe me too look  like the following celebrities..

1# michelle williams (now not in dawsons creek) awesome! im so fugly my boyfriend divorces me and dies. cool.
2# sharon stone (in total recall) you might as well tell me im a dried up tramp. oh wait, you just did!
3# scarlett johannson the resemblence is uncanny right? NO.

in high school people noticed a similarity between myself and ashlee simpson because at the time i had black hair (fking emo) and so did she (also fking emo) i think this was the only fair call as at the time i indeed had the same hair and yes i was pasty and yes i have blue eyes and yes my nose is horrible because it got broke.

seriously, sharon stone... i would rather smell a millions peoples morning after going out poos than get told i look like that. THANKS PERTHIANS, NOT!


Thursday, February 26, 2009

A guide for small talk on dates

Sick of feeling awkward on dates? So much so that you get the Ronan Keating song "you say it best...when you say nothing at all" in your head? Fear not my lovers, I have created (on 2 hours sleep mind you) some topics to get conversation going on first dates! There is no way it won't work!

  • Volcanoes: just Earth barfing?
  • "If you could walk on your hands would you get hand shoes made?"
  • "When do you thing Ipods will have feelings and the ability to make their own choices?" "After we are dead and buried?" "Do you think they will destroy us all???"
  • "I wonder if one day everyone will be twins"
  • "What ever happened to The Mighty Mighty Bosstones?"
  • "Do you think Trekkies get to speak Klingon (sp?) in heaven?"
  • "If you had to choose between your mum dying painlessly and a distant relative dying really really painfully, what would you choose?"

These are just a few to get you started, I don't want you guys to rely on me too much because someday I'll be dead. Or too cool to talk to you.

Sunday, February 22, 2009

Acid Zen

Stephen Heintz is the greatest dude on the net, I added him on myspace when I was 18, I cried when he got married.


Site Summary



Average Per Day86

Average Visit Length3:15

Last Hour2


This Week601

YEAH BABY! Does this mean we get a Sweet Sixteen(thousand) birthday party? I certainly hope it does. I figure all we need is goonbags, copious amounts of nangs and perhaps young sweet innocent fumbling around in the bedroom shenanigans.

Hipster Route

You know what would be really useful? If there was a bus that went along Vincent St from Leederville to Mount Lawley. I mean, that would pretty much cover all the suburbs anyone would ever wanna visit right? The 6050, North Perth, Highgate, Leedy, gay, gay, gay. They should just do a circle route from the Bakery to Amplifier to Shape to the Scotsman to Keith and Lottie to Spectrum to some house party in the avenues of Inglewood.

Love Clare xoxo

P.S. - I'm not mean I'm just bored. Day in day out day in day out day in day out.

Monday, February 16, 2009

The Damage Done

Okay, I'm sure it is nothing but i'm a little worried. I'm at my parents house right now, they are out.

As any bored person might do in a house not belonging to them, I snooped.

I calmly crept towards this cabinet, unsure of what I would find.

Oh! But what is this? A bag? A bag...with it?

I open up the mysterio bag...

...I think my mum has a serious wizz fizz addiction, DAMN THE PRESSURES OF THE CORPORATE WORLD!!!

Internet Diary

I sound like such a vagina in that last blog.

Is it bad that I think Jerri Blank is kind of my idol? No it's not.

Scumbags 101

My time is really precious. Sometimes I get paid for it! Mostly it's free tho. I hate it when you have to interact with people who waste your time and brain power and feelings. They are called scumbags. They are worth zero dollars. The shitty thing about Perth, apart from the bElLtOwEr (jk, I don't give a turd), is that you probably will see these S.B.'s at the bus stop, at the park, at the coles, at da clubs, at da inevitable kebab shop. They make you wanna move to Girrawheen, where the kebab shops are filled with beautiful humans who donate to charities and foster children for all the right reasons. Here are some commonly encountered scumbags:

1. People you've been seeing for a month or two and then decide to start dating someone else without telling you. Yeah you're not "in a relationship" on Myspace/Facebook but like, get some fucking manners. I don't want to be second on the list to anybody, it's embarrassing and I would prefer to GTFO of there. Once I was "seeing" (bullshit term alert!) this dude who was actually secretly cheating on his girlfriend of two years with me PLUS was also being bf/gf with a cute 18 year old. He told me he had broken up with his gf and the 18 year old rumour was nada. Fast forward a year and he is still dating those two girls. NEWSFLASH: Dude is like 30, living with his parents, still plays in a gay band and works in retail. Can you say "anti-dardy"? I can. We've all been hurt before asswipe, it doesn't give you license to treat girls like shit because "you're in a bad place". You're not a good person, so donut pretend to be. U SUCK, NEXT ONE!

2. Shit bitches. Sometimes people decide to not like you for no reason. That's ok! What is so not ok is when they decide to be aggressive about it and get up in yr grill. My grill is MINE! Don't holler trash at me or my friends in bars cause it achieves nothing. Either shut your clam or get articulate about it and hand us a letter detailing all the reasons you hate us. To quote you guys, "YOU'RE A MOLE"!!! OMG!@!! LET'S GET SHOOTERS!!"

3. People who get drunk and then use that as an excuse for a million shit things they do/say I borrowed that from NME. It's really true.

4. Dudes who start having sex with you while you're asleep even though you said NO! a billion times the night before. . Why would you wanna have sex with someone who obviously doesn't want to have sex with you? Gross. You are gross. GTFO grossie, you make me puke.

5. Soul ruiners. Originally you were really really nice to soul-ruiners, you maybe kissed them AND meant it, but then they decide to fucking destroy you for no reason. No matter how much you try to be selfless and caring and honest, it's never enough to make them show you the same amount of respect. Soul ruiners waste your time AND feelings and that's why they are the worst. They will cause you feelings of self-doubt Kasey Chambers "AM I NOT PRETTY ENOUGH?" style for life. Every time you see a soul-ruiner you want to go home and watch anime. Every time you see a soul-ruiner you want to move countries. Go away soul-ruiners.

#1 to #5 sometimes seem to collect all in the same place. This is when you tell your friends that the bar is having an "asshole convention" and you go somewhere else. Lately there seems to be a lot of these conventions and a lot of haterade flying around. Rent in Girrawheen is also pretty cheap.

Love Clare xoxo

Saturday, February 14, 2009

Being Unemployed Sucks...

... Because you end up writing up contracts like this when you realise you have spent all of your money on booze and you have a hangover that could, and would kill an elephant.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

An Aspiring Journalist Willing to do Anything

Except try really hard.

In case you don’t know this already, I am in my final year of a journalism degree. It is pretty fucking scary knowing that in a few months I’m going to be forced out into the real world like a constipated turd, except I have no way of knowing if the turd wants to leave the ass (it can’t talk dude, this isn’t a Jonathon Franzen novel). While I hate my University which is full of socialist losers and chronic underachievers, for some reason the idea of ending our semi-educational affair scares the jerky out of me. I can’t think of anyone in their 30s I know with an interesting career and that frightens me because I am not better than anyone I know and I’m not even a tenth as interesting as any of the writers I love.

So now I’m weighing up my options. The first is that I go do a typing class and work as a receptionist somewhere, hoping that some executive with fuck me and promote me. Sleeping your way to the top is heavily underrated.

The second is that I apply for internships at places like Dolly and Woman’s Day. This aspiration requires more than mediocre grades. As you may have noticed talking shit is kind of my only talent, but it pretty much all it gets me are assignment exemptions and convincing people that I didn’t tell their friends that they are so dumb I thought they played Corky in Life Goes On. Most would agree that me giving advice to horny and confused pubescent girls would border on criminal negligence, but being an advice columnist for Dolly or Girlfriend would be a dream come true for me.

Considering the years of alcohol abuse I still remember my teenage years quite vividly. For example never deep throat a guy, no matter how hot he is. When you see him again on Australia day when you are 17 his face will have exploded with pimples. Or don’t let your best friend convince you to let her brother take your virginity, even if she ensures “he’ll be gentle”. While I’m on a role, don’t obsess over skinny dudes with a back pack full of midstrength beer, not only will your tastes soon change but he will also have a kid in apporox. 4 years. You will be teased by the two friends you kept from high school until the kid turn 10.

Another option is getting a part time job that doesn’t stink and do some freelance bull shit until I have enough cred to write for someone. Not likely since as soon as I really have to do something (without supervision) it ceases to become fun and I rebel against it, AKA watch the entire OZ series in the dark until I forget what I’m supposed to do.

An exciting yet scary choice is that I move to London with my fingers perpetually crossed. London is an expensive place to live apparently. I am fucking bullshit with money. In the past 3 years I think I’ve gotten to pay day with at least $10 in my bank account approximately 3 times. I want to give up buying useless crap but the question is can I? Then the question of whether my humor fits in with a UK audience arises. Like all indie wieners I enjoy The Office and I’m Alan Partridge but I doubt that anyone gets my humor, because I’m not really that funny, just sad, vulgar and disgusting. The option of writing seriously is void, I’m way too pretentious to be serious and I’m a bad actor so I can’t pretend.

And that is about it. There is no way The West Australian would have me and even if they would I probably wouldn’t be able to resist the urge to shit on the editor’s chair. I think one of my tutor’s told me that she worked for them and they made her go to the family home of someone who died and ask for a fucking interview a bunch of times. She was all “I know I’m a fucking asshole but my boss says I have to invade your privacy to he can buy a boat”.

I lost track of the purpose of this blog. I know that the chance that someone from an actual magazine reading this is somewhat diminished but if you are out there I am willing to do an investigative article on fad diets free of charge. I know you are probably like “it has been done ladee” but I am willing to take it one step further and try them out for two weeks each. Fuck it, enemas, no carbs, no gluten, give up booze (well, we'll see). I’ll even try out the air diet (as long as I can drink booze) although my brother told me the dude who created it got caught buying like 5 cheesecakes. And a bunch of people died. I’m committed man. I’ve never committed to anything but vices before. This is BIG.

Worst Case Scenarios

I am the queen of thinking of the worst case scenarios. I am a total pessimist and let’s face it; a lot of bad luck seems to befall me. Bad luck which is mostly my fault but still crap stuff happens to me.

1. I cannot sleep right now even though it is 1.15am and I have to pick up my granny at 11am. Why? Because when I got home from work there as a giga-cockroach in my room (almost as big as the one from Men in Black). My worst case scenario is not that it will get on my stuff or crawl on me but that I will wake up at 4am chewing on it.

2. My hypochondrium plays a big part in this too. If I have gas or a stomach ache then its bowel cancer(it couldn’t be that I just ate a whole pack or peri peri jerky), if my gums hurt then I have gum cancer(it couldn’t be that I had just flossed). I think you get the picture. My latest fave illness is ectopic pregnancy. For those of you who don’t watch Grey’s Anatomy (losers) or have never taken the morning after pill (frigid bitch) that is where the fertilized egg embeds in the fallopian tube, starts to develop and then BAM your fallopian tube bursts and you can die(worst case scenario) or become infertile(best case scenario). I AM NOT EVEN PREGNANT! (If my mum finally decides to go against the advice of my brother’s girlfriend and read the blog then yes I am in fact a virgin who hands in all her assignments on time and watches the Huggabunch every day.)

3. That brings me to my next WCS, when I’m super hungry I think I’m pregnant. The main problem lying within the fact that I am always hungry. Always.

4. At the end of the semester when I haven’t handed in my last assignments I automatically assume that I’m suspended from uni. Actually that is probably a valid assumption. Still, best case scenario was my actual punishment (academic probation WOO!).

5. When my friends don’t answer their phones then that means they hate me. In actual fact they are just asshole.

6. When my tooth hurts then I need a root canal.

7. When I go to hospital to get my wisdom teeth out I’m going to die. Actual thought running through my head in the OR Fuck well this is it, probably won’t wake up. Damn that male nurse is hot; I wish I wasn’t wearing this fucking hat.

8. I constantly fear that people think I am coming onto them when I’m drunk. I’m not; I’m just a sleazy person. I basically hate dudes.

9. I pretty much think I am going to end up as a junkie whore with 4 kids that hate me, a hobo tan and that I’ll wear cargo pants (shudder). Or that I’ll end up like the bike lady who rides around Subiaco yelling about how great Australia is (I heard she was normal once too). I am at least optimistic enough to think that if I get a nice apartment with ample space to sew and write then maybe I can make something of myself. But as it stands I am currently perched on the end of my bed, keeping an eye out for the cockroach and about to pour a third glass of wine.

10. An especially bad WCS is my future relationship status. I have concurrent fears of ending up an alone spinster and ending up married to a boring twat who ends up being a pedophile. It probably doesn’t help that just about everyone I know who is married fucking hates their spouse or lives under thinly veiled ignorance of how vile their husband/wife truly is.

It all reminds me of a story my mum told me. When she was in school my grandpa went for his morning swim and didn’t come back. When my mum, her 3 sisters and 2 brothers came home from school my grandma sat them down and told them (without evidence) that their father was dead. He came home a couple hours later. Apparently he had spotted a shark, hailed down some people in a boat and they had insisted on looking for the shark for 11 hours before they dropped him off at the shore.

I guess it’s just hereditary.


my housemates brought me home a present: "BARFI"
they are really sweet :D

five, the power too rock you

1# i used too be a CHAMPIONSHIP horserider.  mostly showing, dressage and showjumping. wank wank wank. this time 7 years ago i thought my future occupation was going too be owning a studfarm and  being an olympic cross country'er. i have many ribbons and rosettes. i won a trophy but it was one of thoose gay ones you have too give back. pish.

2# stupid things happen too me, constantly. cockroaches fly intoo my head, i bleed on my resumes, i get toothpaste in my eye, while making out i fall through glass plate windows, i fall off the bed during "unbridled passion" and fuck up my face. why me? oh cruel world.

3# the only "club" ive ever been apart of is the goosebumps club which was held at my house in shitsville, laverton. dont know where laverton is? you donut want too. locals carry around axes and have pet flys. 

4# in primary school i was obsessed with having pets.. pet lizards, fish, crazy crabs, snails. i am such a big pet loving loser that when i got a pony for xmas i CRIED. i also CRIED when i saw my cat have kittens. i quite obviously have an emotionally retarded sickness where i only cry at animals not at real life situations that actually affect my personal life. HAHA I WIN AT LIFE!!

5# this post was dedicated too the infamous 90's band FIVE. not 5ive as some people may have you believe. wtf, numbers are not letters and you are not the decider, dick. on their album they had a secret track number 555 haha. a band member called abs. EAT BRISKET!

DISCLAIMER: im not good at anything anymore and i dont have any pets too cry over. i lost that FIVE album years ago but dont worry im still doing shit-idiot things. mostly not on purpose. my bike has one pedal :(

Sunday, February 8, 2009


Oooooo Gracey 'tagged' me in a blog survey and now I have to tell secrets about myself. Ooooo, I'm gonna do it!!

1. I have size double F (for foxy) breasts and I'm really pretty and everyone wants to have sex with me.

2. One time Jay-Z asked me out and I said no because I was busy.

3. I used to be an Olympic gymnast, whatever. I won five gold medals (floor, bars, beam, vault and cutest looking in her leotard) but I gave up my career when I turned 16. I can't do the splits anymore but I can put my leg over your shoulder.

4. I definitely did not just eat a plate of nachos and I am not about to have a second dinner. I actually have a macrobiotic diet and me and Gwenyth Paltrow talk about it all the time over Skype.

5. I volunteer at a retard shelter. That's how I met Gemma.

6. I have perfect pitch but I gave up my singing career. I was even better at singing than Mariah Carey but she FLIPPED THE FUCK OUT and had that breakdown thing over it so I let her have the charts. I'm more underground now, see me play at 208.

7. I have never ever in my life passed wind. One time I burped tho. Ewwww!!!

I nominate everyone who reads this to comment with their own seven things!!
Here are the rules...
Share seven facts about yourself in the post.
Link to your original tagger and list these rules in your post.
Tag seven people at the end of your post by leaving their names and the links to their blogs.
Let them know they’ve been tagged

Saturday, February 7, 2009

Breaking News!

Cameron Stack has a new look. He is calling it "Modest Mouse's Session Drummer". It involves a cap. Photos coming soon!




Friday, February 6, 2009


let me set the scene for you, its a crisp picture-esque night at yr favourite friday hang (amps obviously) and yr nights going pretty well considering you havent really been socially interactive in like 3 wks. the only thing missing is cameron james stack which clearly sucks as you know we all need him like we need air too breathe.

SO this 17 yr old (or whatever) gets all up in my grill pulling the fingers at me while shes walking past. i think "hmm why is this person with a face like a wet fart insulting me by exsisting, SORRY DO I KNOW YOU??" i feel bad, naturally.. im trying too use all my charm and cute looks and attention on my friends but this mofo is distracting me and im losing confidence.
so 17 yr old walks past me about two more times in the same fashion as above except mouthing the words bitch, slut or something similar.
i pull 17 yr old aside stare intoo her eyes, trying too concentrate on not appearing TOO drunk because lets face it i kind of am. okay the conversation that follows...

N: sorry for interrupting me but i notice yr trying too get my attention by being mean too me. have we met, im nina.
17: blah blah blah youre a bitch, slut, tramp etc.
N: again, seeing as i dont know you im not really sure what ive done too upset you. maybe you could tell me why yr being such a jerk??
17: yr sleeping with the person my best friends seeing, you are totally mean
N: sleeping with someone? haha WHO?
17: yr sleeping with _ _ _ _ _ _ and theyre together!!!
N: well for the record _ _ _ _ _ _ and i are real good friends and weve made out once and we have slept in the same bed but were not "doing it" if thats what you mean. were actually completly lame and spend all night talking about epic deaths, man crushes and things of the like. also seeing as im _ _ _ _ _ _'s new best friend i would totally know if he was "seeing" someone. im pretty sure theyre just fucking. OH WAIT why does this concern you?
17: because im looking out for my best friend, im 17 you know. (haha)
N: well if yr best friend really did like _ _ _ _ _ _ and was genuinely concerned about the nature of our friendship maybe she should come talk too me. im actually pretty nice and i could totally tell her impressive things too say too him and he will be all like won over and digging it.
17: fuck you blah blah you donut even know her blah blah
N: sorry 17 i have too say it but you yr being really immature about this whole thing. DEAL
17: IMMATURE??!!
17: *flips me the bird and walk away*

obviously this whole time im secretly wishing i was at home eating burgers instead of being harassed by 17. the thing is 17 is totally wailing on me and it totally freaks the shit out of me because i just dont get wailed on. even if in our blog i sound like a retarded cheese loving child the truth is im actually okay in real life. im actually kind of friendly, kind of sweet sometimes. and as gemma once said
"mean, but you couldnt be mean nina. youre just not intellegent enough!"
and the thing is if her best friends upset thats fine i get it and am willing too accept such an obstacle in our nonfriendship exsists but i bet her best friend and i would probably get along. 
dear god some people are just SO STUPID. stupid 17.
also i am pissed that she thinks im sleeping with someone because IM NOT (im boring) and it would obviously be cooler if i was and _ _ _ _ _ _ is a super hot fox so i could like, win friends with that kind of ammo.
i have a single bed that ive never had sex in. the last person i had sex with was the boy i used too date and i did it because i lobb'd him not for fun casual times. i fall asleep on the couch watching movies. my favourite movie is black beauty. IN ENGLISH: im not sleeping with anyone.
the next time 17 see's this cheeky face will be when im taking a shit on her lawn. i feel sorry for her parents. its probably their lawn (shes 17 you know)


PS// sometimes i dont know how i do it its like one minute my lifes a joke and the next im maccing with hot babes and planning bike gangs. shit yes!!


Thursday, February 5, 2009

I think this used to happen a lot on livejournal.

Julian Cole tagged me in some thing where I have to tell everyone 7 things that they wouldn't know about me. I donut know if this is referring to my close friends or a wider group of people, like the Russian people that keep looking at our blog for some reason. I don't even know who Julian Cole is, but I am pretty sure he is friends with Ben Menzies, so he must be okay.

1. I am a State Karate Champion. This is actually true. I will elaborate even though it will mean that I lose all the powers instilled in your mind after that sentence. I won the under 24kg NSW State Championship for karate when I was 8 years old. There were no other entrants. Haha! I also came 2nd in the under 32kg division. It was a close battle, and I was fighting my instructors daughter. Pretty sure it was rigged, eh. My trophys are somewhere in my parents house, unless they threw them out. (This is actually likely)

2. I am a District Backstroke Champion. This one was Year 6. Obviously prepared me for the many hours I would spend on my back in the future.

3. I have made out with a member of C.O.D. See if you can guess which one!

4. I used to have a bellybutton piercing. I was a teenager in Mandurah. Come on. Of course I did. I now have a small hole above my cute bellybutton. I am a summer dream.

5. Last night I vomited into a container of curry pasta salad. Pretty self explanatory really. My brother jumped on me and winded me when I got home plastered at 3 in the morning and it was the closest puke recepticle.

6. I was engaged and was going to get married on April 15th, 2007. I guess I wanted to be a divorcee before 23, because that was certainly what was going to happen. I think I wanted a wedding a lot more than an actual marriage.

7. Sometimes I don't look in the mirror for days. This causes numerous incidents, like the time my boyfriend drew a swastika on my face in ballpoint pen. I forgot about it and went and did grocery shopping with a hate symbol on my cheek. I basically win life.

I nominate to sit in a sea of self indulgence -
Queef Ledger from our own C.O.D.

I think you are supposed to do 7 but I don't think I even know 7 blogs. So I will stick with 3.

Here are the rules...
Share seven facts about yourself in the post.
Link to your original tagger and list these rules in your post.
Tag seven people at the end of your post by leaving their names and the links to their blogs.
Let them know they’ve been tagged

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

a million reasons dinner partys rule

okay so i realise EVERYTHING i write ever starts with 'okay so' but yr just going too have too man the shit up and DEAL with it. i might also add im kind of still drunk and although im unwilling too be violent (im passive agressive you know) i might stand in the corner with my head down and insult you by exsisting. bam! take that!

to the point, my favourite writer ever in the history of the world, mia timpano AKA mia tampon wrote this article, about dinner partys, and how they suck. but i agree too disagree. i mean her article is the fire of my loins (i literally crymaxed while reading it) but i went too a dinner party and it ruled the universe so i guess its just like shes older and her friends/relatives are more sober and boring. they probably also have head lice or something serious like that so they cant see the "joy" in life and laugh at everything ever because theyre too busy being jerks, and itching alot.


1. when yr not being paid for another week, a dinner party is a great way not too have too eat miegoreng, plus there will probably be booze provided by the host and this is a great way too escape the reality of being poor and realising yr life revolves around couches and watching movies and although it probably sounds indie and too cool for cool ITS NOT. its actually boring. and unglamorous, people may see you when yr not wearing pants as you are a complete and utter slob. so yeah, social interaction baby!

2. you may meet new people EG. people who have moustashes and are pretty too look at and say funny things when they open their mouth. like maybe theyre interested in finding the male g spot, is it really up yr but? in anycase they will be amusing.  even if theyre assholes you can take pictures of them when theyre not looking and deface them at home, cool.

3. eating good food is good. creamy penne is good. fetta salad is good. olives are bad, you must always remember this.

4. so you have free booze, so youll probably be drunk. being drunk is FUN! i have a big graze on my knee= mustve had a super rad night.

5. you may do//say things youve always wanted too do but never had the balls too do. this is probably becuase yr drunk but when you start talking too ppl you can say "im at a dinner party" and you sound really fancy and ppl will think everything you say is more important than it actually is because you lead such a jetsetting lifestyle. its like having a pen behind yr ear YR IMPORTANT.

6. i told my good friend that i want him too "rape me" but not in a bad way. WTF does this mean? i am a creep, but seriously revealing yr inner thoughts and feelings like how you want too sleep with yr friends is really touching, enlightening and the person on the recieving end may even be happy too hear this. they may also think yr a freakin idiot and want you too take a course in how too interact like a normal human, but in the end itll be a weight of yr shoulders.

the laptop is running out of batterys, well talk later

PS: i love clemma, bashton, betty, leighton and jack. YEAH!

Hey faggotz

Don't forget (for a moment) that I don't give great advice. So email me at Boys? Girls? Sandwiches? Interior design? Inferior design?

I can help you!

I have an opinion of everything!!! AXE GEMMER!

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

My Life, as a Story.

Has anyone ever read that Stephen King's novella collections? There are some scary fucking stories in there. One of them is about going through to this other dimension cus you were asleep on the plane, and you can hear this buzzing noise and it's basically these demons called Langoliers eating yesterday cus Shock! Horror! the dimension turned out to be that. (Suckers.) I can't really remember what happened but there was something about a blind child that had visions and she ended up dying cus this guy that liked to rip up napkins when he was nervous went crazy cus he really needed to be in Delaware for a promotion, but alas, he was stuck in yesterday.
Anyway! There is this other story called The Library Policeman, which involves a Library Policeman, some succubus, red licorice, drunks and airplanes. Eons ago, before I went to Melbourne, Kasia and I went to the Inglewood Library and got out some books on my card. I think I got out such great young adult reading material as multiple Sweet Valley High and Christopher Pike books (I swear to God, Christopher Pike must have been such a lonely upset virgin in High School as all the cheerleaders, popular girls and sex kittens turn out to be BLOODSUCKING CREATURES FROM HELL/OUTTA SPACE/OTHER DIMENSIONS) and Kasia got out some giant encyclopaediac books about dogs. Hahahah. I love Kasia.
During the time between me taking these books out, and yesterday, I have gone to Melbourne, packed up and moved not only mine but my stupid dumb boyfriends crap, been a real winner and just generally forgotten about going to the library and returning books until I got a few phone calls. I kept meaning to take them back, I really did, and then I got a letter in the mail saying I had $180 in overdue Library Fines and my imagination basically started running like an American Indian and I kept imagining that my picture was up next to the computer and they had fancy face recognition software like in David Jones and as soon as I took them back the doors would lock and the librarians would stop being softly spoken people who look like they should be next to Aunt in the dictionary and instead turn into people that would and could beat me up.

Yesterday these guys showed up TO MY HOUSE at 9 in the morning.

I didn't think they were real. They were in disguise by calling themselves the Mobile Collections Unit, but I knew what was up. Because I am so fucking retarded at life for some reason I lied to them and told them the books were at my parents house when if I turned my head slightly I could actually see them on the floor of my room. I donut know why I did this because now I am going to have to actually go the library and return them. If Stephen King is anything to go by then I should take a giant ball of red licorice and stuff it the cakehole of the Library Police so he reverts back to his succubus self and explodes cus he can't feed off the fear of children anymore.

Monday, February 2, 2009

V for Vendetta

So this may be just paranoia, it may be that it is 3.28am, it may be the wine burt somebody is out to get me.

First it was the text message I got on friday (blogged about earlier) and then when I was getting into my car at approx 3.31am on Sunday someone had gone to the trouble of writing either "yuppy scum" or "yuppy bitch" (can't remember) into the dirt on the windscreen of my car (they had to write backwards I might add so that I could read it as I drive).

Now I know you might be thinking "jeez Gemmer its just some random azzhole", but obviously you haven't seen my car. It screeches when it starts up, has a MASSIVE dent on the side and has so many items of clothing in it you would think I LIVED in it. Only little orphan annie would thing it was "yuppy". Not to mention there is a spider nest in my car from all the ancient shit my stepdad gave me which I convieniently stored there.

If I wasn't such a bitch I could narrow it down. Another theory is that it is one of the azzholes I work with.

Still this whole experience has led me to axe, did the CIA create facebook?

Gemma Emanuel. NONONO Mrs Rahm Emanuel.

I appear to have the same taste as gay men.

I have to stop googling Rahm. He is just so PRETTY.

Except the only fetish I have is that he hold me.

Ps. If you click on the link be prepared to see an abundance of penis, I wasn't.

Laura and Gemmer RULE at halloween.

Although this blog is almost exactly 3 months overdue I think it still needs to be written/shown to the public. Even though i'm almost certain the 60-80 hits we get a day are merely our friends who I no doubt bragged about this to for approx a month after halloween so you all know about this. Anyway this is Laura and I on halloween.

If you can't tell from the picture Laura and I went as the World Trade Centre. I even made clay people to jump out the windows. Laura is probs going to be mad about this blog because she wrote her thesis on post 9/11 literature and (rather neurotically) stresses that in 20 years when she is the go-to-girl on 9/11 this shame will surface discrediting her entirely and she will have to move back in with her parents and get a job selling protein shakes over the phone. I think it is worth it.

I walked through Northbridge in this outfit and actually only encountered two groups of people with negative feedback, one group were just overly sensitive indie weiners who said "too soon, dude". Not too soon really, I know it took AIDS a little while longer to get funny but AIDS killed way more people (AIDS can now be funny). I approached the other group in a drunked slur saying "9/11 NEVER FORGET" to which one of them replied "I know, we were there". I said "betcha weren't!" as I skipped off. It is a common myth that all Americans were in New York on the 11th of September 2001.

In conclusion Laura and I are the queens of halloween. This year's halloween entirely depends on who dies this year/disasters. Or maybe i'll finally dress as the hulk as ive always hoped for.


i ate everyones icecream and now they hate me.
i have icecream stains on my bed.
im boring.


Sunday, February 1, 2009