IM A REAL GRRL NOW

my room is some kind of 13yr old grrl haven. if youve been in my room before, youll know what i mean. one night (at cowle street) i left too go too a vegan party which ended up being pretty weird as there were like 50 ppl there and i was one of TWO people that smoked. i dont know it was just weird and made me feel bad or something and then i was leaving and my friend hayley gave me a vegan cupcake too take home but then as i was walking i just pegged it over a hedge cause it was kind of grosse (sorry hayley).
anyway when i got home there was all these cig buts all over my room and talking heads was in my cd player and thats when i know graceys been having debaucherous orgys in my room, which is kind of okay with me because if i was there i would just put on DFA1979 and laugh loudly or something along thoose lines.


ive got a pink room now. igors is the boy version of my room (his is blue)
(NME)

Are You There God?

It's me, terribly depressed girl who hates being back in Perth. On the plus side, because I obviously look like a terrorist, I got checked for explosives at Melbourne Airport last night. They even made me take my shoes off.

"busy doing nothing"

so i moved intoo my new place and its so good we have chandeleers and fancy curtains and this is BY FAR the best house ive ever lived in.
it takes me two minutes too get too work and im always a chump walking down the road, whistling and really stupidly in a good mood and i feel like its one of thoose moments where im probably going too get run over by a car or whatever because im walking up the road with a shiteatinggrin on my face and you know that in the movies thats always when you always die (especially if yr whistling).
OR// alternatively when yr bleeding from the mouth yr defs kicking the bucket asap!

but anyway i wasnt bleeding from the mouth so all is well and good and its christmas and were going too have a really rad time tonight (clare, gracey, nina etc.)

also ive been doing alot of thinking recently and im thinking about how im going too host a chedddar for the children II so you can all come and sample some dairy lob.
AND i was also thinking about how when you wake up from sleeping you feel plesantly closer too yr sub concious than you ever do at any other time (?)

yeah, i like sleeping. MERRY CHRISTMAS!

(NME)

G O Y R

Get it, get it guys? Getting on yr rags.

When I was a wee young Perth Socialite (ie 16 years old) I dated a frontman of a live hip hop band, who shall remain anonymous. Said man and I were pretty suited apart from the fact that he was like 6 foot 5 and I was, and shall remain for the rest of my life (until I shrink from old age) 5 foot flat. Also he was a bit of a dweeb and I was a sassy teenager who liked drinking Coronas, taking Lobbers, watching Kung Fu Movies, wearing Denim Jackets and just generally being an all round Good Cunt.

Said Guy, oh, lets call him Mr X, was a bit lacking in the bedroom department, but he generally made up for with enthusiasm and being damn fine at head. Unfortunately he was hit with a double whammy - not generously endowed and also a teeny bit of a premature ejaculation problem as well.

One night I came home from being an underage booze hag at the Scotsman and we got down to it. Wham bam thank you ma'ám, Let's go down town right? Next thing I know he is holding something and looking slightly horrified. That's right. I had been drunk and his dick had been so small that we'd managed to have sex while I still had a tampon in, without any interruptions whatsoever.

I stopped dating musicians then, but unfortunately I never got over my prediliction for tall guys.

As you can see, the whole look at hands feet tallness to dick ratio just isn't true.

DJ AM

Bloganality Andrew Murray, whom you may remember from here or here, is obviously A.M.-azing. Yeah duh. His band Taco Leg (which also features Richard Ringhole and Schmo) really should be reviewed in an iconic hipster magazine like Vice. Oh wait that totally happened.


I was playing a house gig in Perth a few weekends back and ended up doing something I rarely do; watching opening bands. Sorry, Ian Mackaye, I’m not a grown-ass nerd who pretends to care. Anyway, I watched this here band I am talking ‘bout named Taco Leg from Perth. I was intrigued by the absurdity and retardation of their name so I made it a point to peep them. I wouldn't expect anything else from Perth. The singer has a moustache and wardrobe indicating that he is no older than 14 years old but apparently is 21, the drummer had a head full of curly locks and a Coroner shirt on and the guitar player was using a Flange pedal. Truly amateur. I can understand that my description of these lads so far has been less than stellar in some respects but please believe me; this band was fucking tits.

They slopped through seven tunes of completely inept, three-chord messes with little interest to the crowd. The tunes ranged from sloppy pop diddies to almost Brainbombs like riffage. I know a description like that can sound crippling especially with todays forced lo-fi wimpery that all ex- Sonic Youth fans seem to be emptying there sacks to, but please believe me, they were not faking this. They were legit and not Times New Viking fans. They had somewhat of a clue as to what they wanted to sound like as indicated by their influence dot-points on their myspace but their aim was quite off and it worked out in their favour. It was a sound of their own for them and their parents to be proud of. The singer Andrew, when not crooning into his mic, would simply pick up his bottle of Gatorade and chug until it was his turn on the floor once again. I had to talk to these guys and see if they had a recording.

Turns out these guys had made two tapes to sell at the gig and three shirts, all of which they were wearing after they played. I procured one of their tapes and drooled feverishly until my plane landed back in Melbourne to listen to it. Once picked up from the airport I popped this bad-boy in the deck on the ride home. It was as suspected; a very shitty sounding demo, as if it were recorded open air with a boom-box. Probably hit the nail on the head but I wouldn't expect much more. There are also TEN songs on this demo, a brave move. Most nerds would save that much material for the big CD-R debut. Of the ten tracks, I would have to say that 4 are of the quality I got from the live experience. Freemason's Hall has all the punch of a timid wigger on a rainy day but seems to be the track that gets across all these fellows want to say with this demo. You almost here the gatorade being swigged down during vocal breaks and they did not spare themselves of mistakes. Simply pressing 'stop' on the boom-box and starting over is clearly not an issue with Taco Leg. Simple single note songs played at a slugs pace is the issue here, which seems normal for Perth life if you can ignore that Rupture and Extortion are from there. I recommend this tape to any fans of boredom, Psychedelic Horseshit and the sound of guitar lessons. It's a good place to start.

If you're bored at your office job have some r+r on me, listen HERE. I'm sure if you like the songs here you can convince one of them to tape you their demo and mail it to you for a few jammers of nitrous. Look for a future release on Richie Records.
review by Uncle Sharkey on the Vice Blog

Fun fact about this interview: Andrew Murray does NOT drink Gatorade, ever.

Clarke Weldon's Thought of the Day

"Thinking you are gonna die really gets the heart pumping. Unless you are dying from a heart attack."

Seventeen Year Old

Last Wednesday I enjoyed a refreshing mexican dinner with the sisterhood, during which dear friend Alana starred in a movie called Poor Life Decisions, the P.L.D being trying the 'Insanity Chilli Sauce', which on a scale from 1 to insane was insanely hot (p.s. - I have cameos in this movie like everyday). She pretty much cried and was fairly uncomfortable for a long period of time but ANYWAY later in the night on the walk to the Scotsman we met some 17 year olds.

I didn't kiss them because I'm not doing that shit anymore and also they were girls and I am a member of G.R.O.S.S. (get rid of slimy girls). Seeing as these lahlahladies were a) drank b) garn to the scotsman underage and c) indie bitched out, and the C.O.D. has totally been in that sitch, we decided to give them advice on the rocky road ahead into their adult life.

So we started out with things like "if you go to university, you should...." and "when you move out of home, you can..." and "when you get a shitty job..." and "when you hit da clubz, it's best..." but then none of us could fill in the dotdotdots because we are all fucking retarded @ living. DILEMMA.

Luckily Alana "Alanis Morrisette" Goldberg (not her real name btw) was with us still and she managed to come up with one piece of advice from her green apple UDL/chilli addled brain for the 17 year old dardies:

"Never trust a naked musician
He'll only send you to the physician
Be careful when you're huggin and kissin
Tomorrow it'll burn while you're pissin"

Yeah so all we could manage was a rhyming safe sex ad. Or propaganda for dry humping, who knows. And Gemma is like a professional (on the internet) agony aunt!

In conclusion, now that I think about it, I have heaps of hindsight knowledge to tell 17 year olds who donut care. Like you should always hand in your university assignments cuz classes are really expensive and being at school for 6 years cause you fail a lot is a bonerkill and when you get a shitty job you should be HELL mean to customers because it looks cute on teenagers.

Love Clare xoxo

p.s. - urrbody come to Ludacrismas (Lewd-da-christmas). Call me, my names Tiffany.

Some things never change

2005

2008

Gemma's Guide to Christmas Giving

Step One: Buy 20 of these


Step Two: Wrap


Step Three: Give to your loved ones

Hugh's Dick: An Essay.

Betty and I were just talking about Hugh and I started wondering about his dick. If he really takes turns boning the playmates then how does he keep Mr Johnson alive for said boning?


Most would just conclude that he takes a turdload of viagra.


But is there enough viagra in the world for such a purpose? Any scientist will tell you "no there is not".

So what I propose is that he actually has a creepy well hidden on his property that he sticks his pickle in every day. The well is of course magical and creepy.


Discuss.

Wahhhhhh

Lame tattoos: getting me through tough times since 1987.

im officially part of the 6050

c.weedon and i are having gin and lemonade too celebrate the fact i now live just down the street.
i live with kat, igor and leisa, its really rad, i know.
the C.O.D partys will continue in the very near future.
possible nudity, doing stupid things and making out with yr crush is a must SO COME ALONG!

(more info on next partys soon, possibly XXXmas and then another househotting)

(NME)

YOU SUCK

mr taxidriver. WTF weirdest/most creepiest taxi driver in the history of taxi drivers.com.au
asked me how my night was: my highlight is going too be the gourmet sandwich i prepare upon arrival at home, hopefully he dosent murder me or worse by then..
WHAT A LOSER... asking about lob and "intimate relationships" like he had studied physc at uwa, wank. luckily im a cold hearted bitch and have nothing too contribute on such topics (take that you creep!)

anyway this is the LAST time ill have too deal with it seeing as im moving intoo my new house in bohemian mount lawley tomorrow.
im going too start a bicycle gang, join?

yrs leavingly*,
(NME)


*PS not sure that is an actual word but dnt care anyway. be drunk.

#1 food 4 evs and evs.

Chicken is so good. Any recipe you give me I can put chicken into it. Tacoz, pasta, ice cream sundae. MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM. Chicken.

One time I spiked Clare's drink and she accidentally admitted chicken was her fave food. I made her beer a 'Detroit Car Bomb'. Basically I just poured bourbon into her beer. She is such an alcoholic she durn't even nurtice.

HI GUYS

Melbourne is pretty sick. I've eaten a lot of okay food, which is kind of disappointing. The Eggs Benedict I had the morning after I got here wasn't that great, they had it on Turkish Bread instead of English Muffins and the Hollandaige (Pretty much the most important aspect of the meal) was inferior. I've watched a bunch of foxtel, the daige channel is pretty funny, got to see Ernie Dingo being quite earnest. Fitzroy is like Mount Lawley times a million, James is sick, I've had sex in construction sites, and hallways and just regularly like a billion times (Donut know how I went a month without it), I'm really tempted to get on the smack and just walk up and down Victoria Street. Right now I am very hungover and sitting in an apartment on Flinders Lane eating Sausages wrapped up in Pita Bread with Tomato Sauce. Dunno what I'll do today. Probably drink Stones. (P.S. I actually heard someone say "Melbourne Weather, It's like 4 seasons in One Day!")

OH YEAH The Junkies here are sick! Some dude with a feather in my hair came up to me at the Darling Grace Hotel (Guess why I went there?) and asked for money. James asked him what he wanted to do with it and he said "Well I want to get on and maybe do some shopping". What a good cunt, eh.

As an added bonus, here is a picture of me last time I came to Melbourne. (P.S. How white am I? I totally look like I'm gonna corpse.)

BLOGGERS ARE LOBBERS

(excluding the c.o.d)

i found this blog when i typed in "best blog ever" and google searched it:
http://thisismycomputerblog.blogspot.com/

i scrolled down the whole first page and found an apparant fondness for exclamation marks and capitals. im really not sure. apparantly hes 41. i hope i die before then.

(NME)

braun series 7

an untrialled review based solely on asthetics and hear say.

Braun Series 7 motor sends over 10,000 micro-vibrations per minute through the shaver head to gently stimulate the skin, causing it to ripple, which helps capture and shave more hairs with every stroke. The hair is shaved with high-speed precision using leading edge Gillette Blade Technology. For added closeness and comfort, Braun Series 7 incorporates a Sensitive Flexing Head, which follows the contours of a man's face with twice the pivoting angle of other Braun shavers, and shaves hard-to-reach areas using touch sensitive foils that respond to the slightest change in skin surface. Additionally, Braun Series 7 is the world's first shaver brand with an ENERGY STAR-qualified battery charger, which recognizes the shaver's energy-efficient design and Braun's commitment to environmental sustainability.

hi. im an unsuspecting member of the girl species who has fallen asleep on the couch only too be awoken by manly man voice advertisement for new!! braun series 7!! physced!!
first of all the sheer shininess of this product makes me feel like if i was a man i would have too be on star trek too actually be able too use it. like it might deteriorate in 'normal' earthly conditions.
also this whole thing about it gently stimulating and causing the skin too "ripple" is just fucking disturbing. who wants too be rippling? not you.
it reminds me of the whole situation of where by when it rains the soft thudding causes the snails too covort about the pavements in a wild unruly fashion. what do you think happens too thoose snails? they get pounded intoo the concrete with yr foot, thats what happens!
(clearly this is relevant, motion is relevant)
anyway as a closing point too my argument (that you should NOT attempt too purchase this product) i would like too say that if you really, actually cared about the environment (you should) just buy a disposable razor, okay? the whole fact it is rated "energy star" is not even backed up with any facts or statitics, weak.
i know im probably not manly enough too talk about the flexing head and how it softly carresses the contours of a mans face but if anyone does actually buy one please leave us some feed back.

youres faithfully,
(NME)

Axe Gemmer (the spam edition)

Dearest,
I am writing this mail to you with tears and sorrow from my heart.My name is Miss. Mercy David Steven, accountancy student in the university, my late father David Stevens was a farmer in the country and he was shot dead in an incident east of the capital, Harare. My father was killed during an incident involving a group of farmers who responded to a radio distress call from a neighbor in the Virginia Macheke district. My late father and another farmer were chased and shot at before taking refuge in a local police station and i was left alone with the twins my mother delivered before her death.The protesters came also to our house and destroyed everything, but i escaped with the twins and the briefcase that my father entrusted to me before his death, i went to my grand mother and stayed for while because of my studies, but life was very hard for me, it came to a point that students went into prostitution to pay for school fees and to feed.You can read from the news inhttp://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/africa/715001.stm,When i opened the briefcase and found out the documents that my late father have deposited some mount of money which i am the next of kin in a bank in Burkina Faso, I traveled there to withdraw the money for a better life for me and for my twins brothers, when i get there i found out that my late father instructed the bank that i will withdraw the money when i am married, or with a trustee that will stand on my behalf.Actually in search of an honest and reliable person who will help me to withdra w the money and invest it i have chosen to contact you after my prayers and i believe you will not try to cheat me but rather take me as your own people. Though you may wonder why I am so soon giving in to you without seeing you, well I will say that my heart still tells that you could be true to me. Briefly,I will like to disclose much to you if you will help me to relocate to your country with the substance that i inherited from my parent. The amount of $14.4Million which i will like to invest in your country into any lucrative business venture which you are to advise and execute seeing that i have no business experience for now.However, I shall forward you with the necessary documents on confirmation of your acceptance to assist me for the transfer and investment of the fund.As you will help me in an investment, and i will like to complete my studies, as i was in my first year in the university, when the crisis started.It is my intention to compensate you with 20% of the total money for your services and the balance shall be my investment capital. This is the reason why I decided to contact you. Please all communications should be through this email address only for confidential purposes.As soon as I receive your positive response showing your interest I will put things into action immediately. In the light of the above, I shall appreciate an urgent message indicating your ability and willingness to handle this transaction sincerely. Awaiting your urgent and positive response. Please do keep this only to your self please i beg you not to disclose it till i come over , once the fund has been transfered.I will send you my picture in my next mail.With due respect, I am pleading that you help me, i am giving all this detailed information with every transparency believing that you will have a clear picture of the base of help i need from you. I hope to hear from you soon, May truth and love be the guiding word in my refuge in you dear helper.Yours Sincerely,Mercy.

Dear Mercy (cool name),
Firstly, what exactly are you axing me? To marry you? becuz if you knew me at all then you would know that I am an independent woman and getting married makes me want to barf. I have been dreaming about a sugar daddy since I was 15 burt I imagine him to be more like this
not someone from a place the Financial Gazette described as a "sunshine city-turned-sewage farm".

Secondly, are you a boy or a girl? Let's go ahead and break your name down.
Miss: title of a single laydee
Mercy: Name of a hospital in Grey's Anatomy
David: Dude's name
Steven: Dude's name
So are you like a neuter? Do you have xyy chromosomes (x=miss, y=david, y=steven and Mercy was the hospital where they found out about your extra Y?) becuz that means you are more likely to have learning difficulties, and I don't marry dumbdumbz.

My final advice to you, my little orphaned freak is that the best things in life are free like when some dude gives you a free lob or when you illegally download music, it isn't all about money. Also you need to stick it to the man (ie: yr dead dad), parents are soooooo lame, donut let them run yr life from beyond the grave.

Tuffin' up dude, stop whining, move on and stop sending me spam becuz I get rally exited when I get new emails for my advice. Also there was an episode of Veronica Mars about the Nigerian Scam or whatevs the fuck it is called so I'm totally prepared.

Love from Gemmer xoxo

Need advice? Email axe_da_cod@hotmail.com.

belated snaps

a sibling shot. we all fucking love photos, RIGHT GUYS?!

frogs, very common everywhere in fiji. even hiding in between the boardwalk (cute!) or lurking outside yr hotel room (rebbit rebbit)

the locals, body building. probably all baby soft and shiny with baby oil.

a spot of reading. essie is obsessed with thoose crosswords. no joke she ALWAYS has like 2 of the books (not just when shes on holiday) i can help with horse related questions. "a female horse?" she asks"well if its young its a filly if its old its a mare." i reply "okay, thanks" she gushes

drinking was a prominent sport. i had never really tasted cocktails before because i dont really like sweet things (im heartless you see) but we went too the hard rock and i got an education, pinacolada, mojito, riders on the storm, purple haze, daquiri... needless too say i found out i dont like cocktails. (notice the napkin, this is because i am "spilly" just ask gemma)

essie corpsing. she was real proud when she found this neck rest and wore it around constantly, even when she wasnt resting her head, say if she was just walking somewhere. total prop.

coordination runs in our family!! not really. except this one time when i was playing lacrosse and this girl from the other team 'accidentaly' bet my ankle intoo oblivion, nina blood and guts on the floor running on pure adrenalin, hatred, revengence was really good at lacrosse after that.

HI ESSIES BUT! shes staring out too the ocean so thoughtfully, wow what a dreamboat.

we did a day trip and explored an island. (sail away)

THE END, a short photographic memoir compiled by nina marie elliott

(NME)

thinking, suedehead

(NME)

C.O.D SHENNANGINS

last night was crazy shit.
best party ever, everyone was completly retarded!
i awoke with burnt fingers and bruises, flawless.
gem will post photos soon.
this was up there with the pirate party in terms of general debaucherousness and concentration of drunk people.
spent!


(NME)

Haha no burt cerially.

www.creaminyourjeans.com

Garn ladies have a mazzfest, nerrbody is watching.

Gay Fagz

Just so you know, this comes up when you google 'gay faggots'.

Did you know?

That Gracey is da best, she drinks longnecks and falls off beds.

She also is accident prone which with anyone else would be 'thalidomide childey' burt with THE greasy it is hactally kinda cute.

Love from gem and clare.

xoxo

Don't forget

I care about all my dardy children so if you have a probalo then send me an email and together we can find a solution. Make sure you make up a sassy pseudonym like cum-stained-in-crawley or incontinent-in-inglewood.

axe_da_cod@hotmail.com

I'll be both gentle, gentile and discreet.

Love from the donut.

Rally Rally Good Day

Have you ever had a hangover so bad you couldn't eat? Me either. OK so this one time I did I guess and the idea was that if I couldn't eat peri peri chips then I would treat myself to every favourite liquid meal I have. What are my favourite liquids? A pictorial journey follows.











I drank all dem in the space of about 2 hour and they were probably the happiest two hours of my life. I think I told someone this story and they felt really sorry for me. In conclusion, I like beverages a lot and when I grow up I am getting married to orange soda.

p.s. - there would be a spearmint milkshake in the mix up there but I ran out of money.

Separated At Birth?????

The resemblance is...uncanny.

Oh wait

Never mind.

Jack Not Gay?

Some startling new evidence that homo-about-town Jack Andrew is in fact NOT a homo at all.



Here he is sharing an intimate hand hold with local dardy and heartbreaker Clare E Wee.

Okay so granted that weewee is pretty mannish still the local indie gays and homo 15 year olds of Perth, Melbourne and Myspace are sweating into their stove pipes as we speak.

Hourly updates on this shocking discovery will be found on COD over the next few days. (or not).

sudden death in carolina

wednesday, my first day back in perth! starting with tea drinking and a cigarette, head too karrinyup to attempt xmas gift purchasing.

msg from c. weedon, come too exhibition, then pub. follow the debaucherous instructions, arrive too find jack on verandah and clare in birthday suit. then she puts on her "working at the car wash" dress.

then we catch the bus, see some art, drink some drinks.

back to clemma (clare & gemma) home.

EVERYONE GETS REALLY, REALLY WASTED.

go too the scotsman. do some stuff, some members of the c.o.d are not allowed back in for the night as they are way too fucking drunk and laughing (me)

we have a secret club and we wont deny it:

(NME)

The House Next Door

OK so our next-door neighbours are junkie squatters and a murderer. JK, but the place next door is this massive abandoned old house. Mandatory needles, weird shoes from the 90s and crusty blankets prevail. One night en route to get hot dogs from H-Spot with DJ AM I swear I saw a light on in the building. FALSE ALARM. The place is as safe as the Mighty Mouse rollercoaster at the Royal Show (ie kinda not but really you're gonna be ok). It's such a z-grade snorefest that me and my mom and my dad went over there to get mulberries today.

That being said, I got that urge to make this place into a little cubby. You know, building fortresses outta couch cushions and eating sandwiches in there style. I thought there were two wood-fire pizza ovens in the backyard but my dad was all "those are kilns, you dumb bitch". Touche dad!


Brakin 'N' Nterin


Wutz in dat dere room Glen??


Peekaboo!!


Looking at trash


Trash Gash


Cactus best friend. PS - if anyone wants to win my friendship and affection plz steal this cactus for me and put it in my room.

Gemmer was using her camera's flash basically as a torch so those pix donut really capture how immense it is but TEVS you should go there. What are you guyses favourite abandoned places to explore?? I don't think anyone will answer that. More importantly, the rabbit that lives at our house let me pat it today, which was a major break through. It dug a hole in the lawn and kept putting its face and then butt in it. Rabbits are weird!!


Love Clare xoxo