Monday, September 29, 2008


I have been at UWA for four years. I have made one friend in that time. So obviously I have like a PhD in being really friendly and approachable and I can share my secrets with you I guess.

The first thing to do is your mindset: trust no one. It really works for paranoid schizophrenics and also me. If people try to talk to you, it's just because they wanna copy your homework and/or ask you if you know when the next report is due. I'm not being cynical, this is actually true. No one ever says: "Hey girl, I notice you round and I like the way you look really gross all the time and don't brush your hair. Let's be friends." I think my place on the UWA social scene could be replaced by a unit diary, because that is all I contribute.

Okay so maybe you will be tempted to go to a university social club social event social. I did this in first year, kinda, because I lived in Nedlands and skrated to uni to visit Lucy who was at Mexicana. I am kinda in love with her p.s. She ended up getting me in for free and giving me free drinks all night and I ended pretty drunk. I think I talked to three people, not sure. WACKY. Me and Gemma also went to Mexicana again I guess, because we got free tix and probably thought Andrew Murray, Dreamboat Esq. would be there because of his heritage and all. We both ended up making out with dropkicks at a bombshell apartment somewhere in the heart of Nedlands and got really confused. From then on I had to avoid anyone on campus who looked vaguely like Chris Martin from Coldplay, it was pretty hard because 98.5% of students look like that (serios). ANYWAY Bay 14 can suck my dick, I don't want their Sausages in My Bun. (sidenote - I think my dog ate my lipsmackers just then, will update).

This is a really important strategy I'm about to impart: ALWAYS sit in exactly the same seat in lectures. Make sure it's a back seat obviously, and make sure to distance yourself from other people by at least two seats if space allows. I'm not sure, I just think people really feel this is a sign that you are friendly and approachable, IDK. One time I found someone sitting in my seat when it was obviously mine and I actually almost left the lecture theatre. Like what could I do?

Another thing I do that is really nice and makes people love me is steal their glassware from laboratory classes if I lose mine. Ok I mean break mine. You guys should do this too. If you fuck up your sample, steal someone elses and swap the labels. I don't do this because I never fuck up FYI.

Going to the REF and the OAK LAWN is scientifically proven to be really gay. There are a couple of places the lone wolf can eat sans human contact: the grass field near the Biological Sciences library (be careful though, a kookaburra ACTUALLY/LITERALLY stole my lunch from outta my hands there once), the Arts theatre parts covered in peacock shit and any toilet. Lucky for me I got a job on campus so I eat in my office. Under my desk. Nah jk.

Ok so like go forth and socialise, I don't!

Love Clare xoxoxo

p.s. - Burger just licked the outside of the 'smackers, I'm so still using it.
p.p.s. - this year because I have one friend, sometimes you will see me drinking jugs at the tavern: BOMBSHELL!


budge said...

i spent all of first sem sitting on oak lawn alone!! its a good place to be when alone, sitting on the outskirts of groups of laughing people is always fun. no one told me bio was sick as to hermit in!! also- last week a kookaburra ate a roll from my hand too... sweet!!

palmcourt said...
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Suzie Perfect said...

I used to try to sit on Oak Lawn but I just ended up moving to the river and looking HELL sensitive/troubled.