Can we try this again?

Okay so i want to try to start a C.O.D advice blog, I know ol' Greasey tried to start up this service a while ago but she never checks her emails and anyway would you really take advice from Stumbly? JOKES, except not really.

It would be completely anonymous and I would not make fun of you unless you wanted to take your cousin to the year 12 ball or if you break out into a rash (rightly so!). And anyway if the email was rash related then I would probably redirect you to Clare becuz she is the expert on rashes and the assorted ointments you might require.

Finally I would just like to say that even though my life is constantly in a state of disrepair I am very good at telling people how to live their lives. Here is a list of areas you might like to axe me about.
-boys
-girls
-delicious frozen meals
-faggy music
-jobs
-school
-dating tips
-hygeine
-friends
-banging
-other

So send me some mail lovers, let me fix you for realsies.
axe_da_cod@hotmail.com (those are underscores inbetween!)
Love from Gemmer xoxo.

So....

Hilary Duff finally slutted it up.



Siq cover choice.

When I worked at Rockbey Records, the only thing me and the faggy owners agreed on music-wise was that Hilary Duff's song Beat of my Heart was pretty good. I had to listen to Madonna's album (the one with Hung Up on it) like 17 times in a row. I served Megan Gale when I worked there, she bought The Presets. Glen Jackovich bought Shannon Noll, NO JOKES.

A Reoccurring Dream

Lately every time my mind wonders I fall into a magical fantasy land. It is almost exactly like everything is now except Clare, Jack and I have made a video of ourselves doing the dance to Single Ladies by group fave Beyonce Knowles. We put it on the webbernet and it becomes a YouTube hit.
The obvious downfall is that it would be our 15 minutes of fame up and I wouldn’t have any fame room left to be in the Guinness World Records for most burgers eaten in one sitting or for accidentally killing an entire endangered species. Would it be worth it? Do I want to SHARE my 15 minutes? I guess I’d have to play it by ear. We’d definitely hit all the demographics: Jack with the homos and faghags, Clare with the 16 year old boys and slut lovers and me with everyone else (dads especially!).

On another note new COD headquarters in bohemian Mt Lawley (one time Clare went to look at a house for rent in Mt Laws and there was a Western Suburbs couple and the girls said something gay like "imagine what are friends would say if we lived in bohemian Mt Lawley. Bint). So Anyway Clare and I have been evicted because our lives are a non-stop Nelly video and the OAPs in the complex can't handle our styles so we're moving somewhere where we actually have no neighbours. One of our neighbours is Hungry Spot, they better get their gravy situation under control by the time we move there or i'm going to spark the 2008 gravy riots.

Love from Geminem xoxo.

it could have been a brilliant career

cheeseburger dates at mcdonalds in Jtown equals unatainable amounts of rad.
PS// lets rule the world and be timeless, okay?

shameless promotion of the truly good and gifted (a short post by N)

http://www.charlieisoe.com/


go, see.

PARTYS, YOU SHOULD HAVE ONE

the time is gone for colds and overcoats.

have summer partys instead!

drink cold longnecks in hot showers!

get really drunk and fall asleep in places you shouldnt!

eat hot chips!

make yrself a local at baskin and robbins!

what im trying too say is you all need too have more partys. im totally 17 again and will have to wait until my parentals go away so i can whip out the scented bin bags and yr band can play in my empty pool.

SO, in the mean time feel free too have heaps of partys. think you need a reason? no, you dont. even better MAKE UP A REASON!

"samantha got her period party" or "too poor too go out party" or "my friends are better than yr friends party"

partys can sometimes turn out like this, and hopefully do:

youres hopefully, nina marie elliott (NME)

EEE: my sibling, cospawn

this is my sister, essie elizabeth elliott (EEE). she is my junior by a mere 18 months and my sibling of choice (i dont have any others but even if i did id probably choose her) naaw.

heres her again, too the far right. really, really good rack essie!

her and her fellow beyonces share a love of beverages, mostly ones that have the word pop in them. EG. PASSION POP.

heres her friends and the pop in action. i cant see essie so i assume shes the one who took the photo or is passed out futher too the back of the car. jk! she would never pass out. its not fun too pass out when theres like, a million way more fun things you could be doing.

(eg. look too her beyonces for guidance)

this is her and her friend emma frequenting some form of music festival.

personally i find these events grosse (sun, ppl, lobs) and unless theres circle pits and barfing and bleeding im probably a no show. (these things take time)

once essie and i went too rollercoaster in mandurah and we had too sleep in the car together and spent the whole time fighting and our friend in the other car was all "shut the fuck up"

anyway, one of the many reasons essie is so great is she makes the right choices.

okay so at this festival her and emma are at (see photo) my sister decided lobbers were stupid.

because she had seen "a little asian girl lobbing, off chops for her life towards the port a loos in these little short shorts, but she still didnt make it in time cause a nugget fell out of her shorts"

take note lobbers, that could be ewwwww (you)

maybe one day when my sister is old enough she can date james's little brother and it would be amazing because hes a dasian and shes a dardy.

FYI: in primary school me and essie went out with identical twins, cameron and travis. HARHAR!

In Honour of Pride Festival

...here is our favourite homo Jack "Sail Away" Andrew:



Jack is not only our favourite fag, but also one of our favourites full stop. Zaw. One time this guy was really mean to Jack so as punishment I went up to the dude and told him all about my eczema, and wouldn't let him get away from the conversation. I was all, "...so then the rash spread ALL the way up my arms, wanna see?". He said no.

Why do we love Jack? Because he's a total dick but nice to us, it's such an honour. One time we were walking in the city to get pies together and he passes this gothed out 13 year old girl and goes "Ew. Boy or girl?". She goes "Pretty sure I'm a girl". He goes, "Gross" and didn't even really break his stride. She probably went home and stuffed her bra with tissues she mopped her tears with and Jack probably doesn't even remember.

One time Gemma played a really funny prank on Laura and Jack laughed so much he vomited. He also sends you lobbed out messages and sleeps on our couch and watches Video Hits with you when you're hungover. He loves Miley Cyrus, Mariah and Beyonce as much as we do. He hates tampons and we love them, but that's like the only thing we disagree on. Happy Homo Day Jack, we're so happy we met you!!!

Baby Pictures

I really like looking at pictures of my friends when they were babies. Not actually babies, because all babies look like bald men, but around the 3 to 12 mark. Everyone is ugly and embarrassing from the ages 13-15, NO EXCEPTIONS. I have seen no exceptions to that rule.

If you ever get to see Andrew Murray's baby pix, feat. bowl haircut and the sweaters his mom made him, you are one lucky guy.

I looked like this:


Feat. Bangs that mom cut, go up at the sides Danzig style, and my crush, Ross, in the background. He lived across the street from us in Louisiana, we totally had pet tadpoles in the creek near our house together (named Chip and Dale, if you were wondering).

Why do all moms insist on cutting their girl's hair like this? I had a retarded fringe from the moment I grew hair to the moment I grew out my bangs in Year 4. How hard is it to cut in a straight line? My mom's a total bitch.


Feat. grown out bangs, my best friends in year 4 who I don't talk to anymore because one day we all ran away from my parents' house and then we got banned from being friends.

Love Clare xoxoxo

p.s. - I predict the hot new thing this summer will not be getting drunk and breaking into apartment complexes' pools (soooo last summer) but inviting people over to your parents' inevitably air-conditioned house and looking through photo albums. fInGeRs cRoSSeD !!

PS

is that the correct spelling, peddle?
im pretty sure its not, sorry.
its like the time i couldnt remember which one was vertical and which one was horizontal but then i did remember because theres this scene in not another teen movie where janies all "lets dance." and hes all "only if were horizontal.."

tangent on g&c post

RE: hymen, broken

i think mine got broken when i went on a family holiday too rottnest approx 2001.
i was riding one of thoose blue hire bikes around the island and decided too deviate from my sisters route of choice too go home and sleep (cycling is tiring stuff) sleeping is the best.
anyway, i was cycling gaily through that main bit where the bakery is (or used too be) and i was all overwhelmed by the dainty island atmosphere and crashed intoo one of the wooden picnic tables that was littering the sidewalk.
i was all "owww i think im bleeding where babies are supposd too come from, no chance of babies no more i think. OWWWWW!"
my peddle fell off.
i spent the rest of my ride home cycling my little blue bike with a fucking peddle in one hand and a broken hymen. yeah.

lets hope my next family vacation (in one month) is less painfull. and dnt worry, i havent been too rottnest since (phewph!)

ive got a thing for you

//hating on summer and everything that it entails
//drinking cold coffee so as i can still be nonzombie like without a fear of hot beverages
//wishing i was as good as that guy on the train who wore leather gloves and whipped out coloured paper and origami-d the heck out
//seeing tash, talking with tash
//eating oranges from the fridge
//using the work phone too make non work related calls
//bandaids: because my nail finally fell off, harhar
//wearing broken watches, encouraging time travel
//having things for people who carry brown paper bags
//wondering why the hell your nemesis would come too yr place of employment HI where are the objects for throwing?
//rediscovering no meat triple cheese burgers, burger stains
//covering up said burger stains by buttoning up my cardigan
//drinking 'appleate'


all the time in the world...

What up

This is my friend Joe. Some of you may know him.

Today I met Joe in town and we sat on a stone bench for a while. Then we went to Target and Joe reappropriated me some new white knee high socks. I went and sat on a bench on Hay Street and swapped the dirty ones for the clean ones. Thanks Joe!

P.S. If you want my old socks, and you all do, they're under the bench that's in front of the chemist, just past the entrance to Carillion Food Court.

Fake Summer Jams

It's really hot, I am sweating off the sidewalk. Wtf, October who do you think you are? December? You're no Christmas. I have to go to class and do homework while everyone is going to Adventure World and that place with the wave machine, basically. Doing assingments is really gay, so are mix-tapes and so am I, so logically I made a faggot mix-tape for everyone to enjoy while they are checking up on their internets. It's about summer, and wanting to go swimming but you have to be on the computer and also like post-structuralism and junk (that's a lie).



Listen here

Chinks/Cocks/Retards/Loafers/BBQs.
(it would also have The Spaceshits - By My Side and The Mice - More Than I Can Talk About on it but I couldn't find them)

Erotically Yours, Gemma and Clare

Clare and I both broke our hymens in our 11th year; strangely (and erotically) enough while we were doing sports. Those of you who know us will not find this surprising as we are supremely athletic characters.
Clare was at Gymnastics when she swung fanny first into what is known as the ‘uneven bars’. She bled and everything and her mum (ol’ Janet) saw her undies and prematurely gave her the period talk Judy Blume is so fond of. It would be another three years until Clare would actually reach womanhood, and ten years before she would begin to tell anyone and everyone about her myriad of obscene ‘ragtime tales’.
Then there’s me. I was playing soccer in the rain for the annual winter games (a fierce rivalry between the private girls’ schools of Perth involving games of soccer, netball and hockey where we’d battle TO THE DEATH or until 3pm, whichever came first). I had the ball (like that Indian girl from Bend it like Beckham and the hit show ER), I was running (dribbling?) with the ball when I slipped and fell heel-on-vagina. I was curled on the grass crying and the male umpire came up to me and asked me where it hurt and I said “my stomach?” I went home and had a bath which really stung my patooti. I didn’t tell my mum but she could tell I’d gone through a drastic change because she took me to Target and bought me some Spice Girl stationary.
So basically Clare lost her virginity to a gym bar and I lost mine to my own heel.
Ps. I think one of the most interesting (and wonderful) parts of the time I broke my hymen was that Clare was actually there at the winter games, we just didn’t know each other yet.

Hi Guys

This year has been pretty gnarly really. I think I topped it off very early Saturday Morning when I was eating a chips and gravy sandwich (ETA, gravox, oven chips, wonder white) and my front tooth broke and I think I swallowed it. Like, I threw my plate down and looked everywhere and it was nowhere to be found. Everybody knows girls don't poo either so to paraphrase that cunt Sarah Silverman who's ex husband wrote all her jokes, I think Jesus has already taken it away from me. I'm gonna get a gold tooth. Everybody ask me to smile when you see me.

extinct, gone like dinosaur spawn.

i need a new form of entertainment/employment residing in the days of mon - thu.
preferably use my mind and talents (HARHAR) for doing weirdly wonderful crafts eg. kinder suprise toy designer or something similar (?)
really, i just wanted too take part in medical experiments and get paid rediculous amounts of money for doing mundane, life threatning things at sporadic intervals and possibly result in death.
ofcourse, before i died i would release a book entitled "NME" which would detail all of the trials and tribulations i have undergone in my so far 20 yrs of exsistence.
not many tough times in retrospect, mostly dumb things like
17 - got really drunk, someone gave me a piggy back, fell off, am now known as humpback of notredame.

THE POINT OF THIS BLOG IS I NEED A NEW JOB SO I CAN QUIT THE ONE I HAVE NOW BECAUSE I AM A BIG QUITTER AND QUIT EVERYTHING BECAUSE I DONT EVEN REALLY KNOW WHAT I WANT. THE END.


ps. i just really want a garden too cultivate my cacti and succulent collections, is that so much too ask?!

Everything up to this point.

The morning toons had the wrong time by an hour in the future today. I was like 'I always miss daylight savings!!!' and got mad at my mom/the world for not telling me. The cartoons were wrong though.

Yesterday in an engrish tutorial I was sitting in a direct ray of sunlight which always fucks me up. First of all instead of doing my work I just stared at a point above the teacher's head (it's hard because she has a big head that basically takes up a whole wall. she's a science fiction writer). I looked down at my paper and I had been absent-mindly writing HAHAHAHAHAHAHA all over my page in this really manical handwriting without even realising. The people sitting next to me look uncomfortable, I wanted to be like "I know it's so bugged out" too.

15 minutes after that happened I fell alseep in class (because of the sun) and had one of those split second dreams where you fall over or whatever. I woke up with a start and like half-screamed. For the rest of the class if I looked down then up, every single person would be staring at me and then they would quickly glance away. After the class I kinda wanted to flush my head down the toilet but I got a choc milk instead.

I bought a large pizza on Tuesday and it took me three days to eat the whole thing. Something has gone wrong!!!

I saw a dolphin on the way to school today.

Once me and Gemma get our eviction notice from Parklame Apartments we are moving next door to Hungry Spot and we're not allowed to drink water, only Hungry Spot Gravy.


Love Clare xoxoxo

definitive blog

want too know all my innermost thoughts and secrets?
all my failings, flailings and dreams?
let me reveal them too you..


NO#1 GIRL CRUSH EVER (APART FROM JACQUI, THATS A GIVEN, SHES MY LIFE PARTNER)

winona ryder in edward scissor hands: did someone say dreamboat? oh sorry.. i didnt hear you, i was too busy having convulsions of pleasure on yr bathroom floor.

NO#1 PERSON TOO INSPIRE GREAT THINGS IN OTHERS

paul banks: i spawned the term 'face like poetry' just from looking at him (see previous blogs) it seriously just fell out of my mouth. no one looks like this hey? hauntingly beautiful


NO#1 DILEMA, DONT KNOW WETHAR I WANT TO BE YOU OR BE WITH YOU

yama indra (second from left): you know how some people just have it. that thing that nobody else has but everyone wants? well yama has that. he also has a moustache (works in his favour) i dont know wethar i want too be his best friend and goofy side kick or spend the rest of my life courting him and baking him stuff. (and possibly bearing his children.. many, many times)

single?

maybe yr poochie and my poochie can date?
shes young, frivolous and frisky.
shes also neutered, but y'know WHATEVER.
when she was younger i used too foot trip her alot. it is not because i am mean spirited or want too hurt living things (not the case at all) its just it made me laugh alot. and smile. and obviously she didnt mind that much if it kept on happening.

her name is maisey here is a glamour shot of her below


PS// shes had a haircut since this. i kind of wanted too save her for darcys dog but i dont want too cut out all of her options.

my new home

i live around the corner from this (cheddar place) its where all yr dreams come true! on my 18th my sister and julias brother (garth) tried too snatch it for me but too no avail.

i dont mind just looking at it anyway, its inspirational.

Hold onto yr hotpants

...cause resident heartthrob Andrew Murray is back in town!!!

That's him showing you what he had for breakfast. Fire of our loins Murray has been in the US for a million years, hanging out with dreamboat Pelsy and being an artichetural fag.

That's him and his lady being first home buyers. Why do we love A.M? Because he is our best friend, that's why. He looks cute in sweaters, is really good at girl rapping, has an amazing record collection, sleeps with a teddy bear in his bed (sorry good ted), his mom made me a burger once, he goes to the beach with you and makes fun of your butt (like calls it the great spotted whale if you are wearing a polka dot bikini which I do), he's in a great band (Hay Taco Leg), writes a blog that goes over my head (Perth's Best), talks about riot grrrl with you and is in general really smart and nice. The first time we met him was 05 New Years Eve and Gemmer made out with him on the floor of Nick Allbrook's parents' house. I don't think I was meant to say that. I vomited that night and Gemma was asked to get me a glass of water but instead she came out giggling with a Pepsi Max. What a bitch!!!!

Andrew Murray is one of those guys that you call by his first and last names too. He is also one of those guys that always has a cool project going on. HEY A.M. GLAD YOU ARE HOME! LET'S HANG OUT EVERYDAY!!

Love from Clare xoxoxo

dear everyone RE:summer

summer is fast approaching and im sure yr all as keen as mustard for the season.
in new zealand we call thongs "jandals", is that weird?
i guess either way it dosent really matter as i hardly see it as appropriate footwear for anyone EVER. (reefwalkers are far more socially and age appropriate)
FYI: we also call bathers "togs". haha

anyway the other day darcy, gracey, james, joe were getting frisky just at the mention of the beach. OMG! SAND! LESS CLOTHES! WATER!!!!!
i did not want too go too the beach.
just. didnt. want. too. go...
in their eyes the fact i didnt want too go too the beach clearly ment i was A. demonicly ill B. mentally unstable C. both
they were all "sorry do you need some ALONE time"
like thats the only reason i wouldnt want too go too the beach. like one of my relatives mustve died and now i need some 'alone time' too deal. because obviously thats the ONLY reason i wouldnt want too go too the beach right? im unstable right?

NO. i retorted. i hate people and i hate the sun, why would i put myself in a location that has extreme amounts of both, why?

so there you have it. nina no like summer they may call me. but clearly for sane and justified reasons. the end (a short novel by nina marie elliott)

my physical demise, im sick y'know?

symptoms:

acute pain of eye sockets
constant feeling of pre barf (nausea)
some form of organ, residing behind the ribcage is constantly hurting
throbbing head
muscle spasms in lower legs
feeling as though "the world may end any moment" aka. the sky is falling syndrome
has failed too have first cigarette of the day even though it is 4:37 pm and awoke hours ago


NYAARGH!

im so regular i could be a living add for medemeusil

hey! theres a reason cheesus rhymes with jesus, its because cheese is a higher power - a force too be reckoned with if you will.

i live for cheese.

cheese in my cup'o'soup

cheese on mi goreng

using cheese as bread (hell no too carbos, hell yes too dairy fix)

cheese with assorted condiments
cheese on its own (oooh)

using a variety of cheese in one meal (cheese orgy, cheese cluster fuck)

cheese brings out the best in other things (compliments them)

i could never, ever be vegan. NO WAY! ive had soymac cheese and although it was okay.. you just cant beat the real thing though (mmm cheddar)

this is no time too pretend, cheese is my meat - yeah

youres sincerly, n.m.elliott

DEAR COD PART TWO

So, I now need a place to live. Someone give one to me please. I am real nice and I cook heaps of real good food, like stuffed sausages and couscous and stuff. I can pretty much make you whatever you want on request. I own 2 pairs of rollerskates too.
:(

Not a Real Blog

To Dear The C.O.D,

QUIT GETTING EVICTED!

Love,

Your Brains xoxo

p.s. - sorry for lack of blogs, we're busy getting evicted and doing homework.
p.p.s. - go here http://www.theselby.com/ and look at pictures of people's houses because we don't have one we can stay in for longer than 6 months, apparently.
p.p.p.s. - hay judi rosen, give me yr stuff.
p.p.p.p.s. - adam wallacavage, wtf, I want to die in your house.

the trigger trail

woah! first weekend i wasnt out in AGES. i actually cannot remember the last time i didnt go on a friday (yeah im real lame) in spite of that, i have still achieved nothing of note. our apartment is heaps messy and we ran out of all our fave condiments (cheese spread, japanaise, tomatoe sauce, soy sauce) and i did ZERO homowork. shit.
i had a nice time though, thats what counts right?

happy barfday mick zing! (hes at the zoo right now, celebrating)