Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Can't believe it took 7 pages. Learn to use parentheses, dickheads.
Monday, July 28, 2008
Last year, in fact, almost exactly 1 year ago, Joshy got a spa. A lot of stuff happened. I managed to get fired from a union after calling in sick FROM the spa at 8 in the morning, 3 mornings in a row, Joshy basically had sex with Perth, and they had the Police and Firemen over at different times. Firemen cus we made homemade napalm out of styrofoam and petrol and then wrote the word "hot" in the lane out the back of his house, and the Police for several noise complaints, once twice in the same night because the projected 70's porn BOW CHICKA BOW BOW was too loud. I took a lot of rully great photos during this time, but they all on Chris Jones computer, so I'll post them later.
THE CRUX OF THIS POST HOWEVER, is Joshy has agreed to do this all over again if a Facebook group reaches 200 people. I think maybe a whole month of spa is kind of going overboard, cus, well, I think I really did almost die last winter from it. But 2 weeks seems pretty good yeah?
Roll up, join up, http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=38313171712
On Sunday morning I was real hungry but I had promised Gemma that we would get KFC Hot n Spicy fillets for lunch and I had to wait for her to wake up. I shouldn't have been that hungry because I had a sausage McMuffin and two hashbrowns at 4am in the morning (for dinner that night I had a Quarter Pounder meal deal too). I made a cup of tea and limited myself to one piece of toast (This just in - I had two).
Gemma eventually woke up and we both got KFC hot boxes and enjoyed them. I then fell asleep for two hours, woke up, walked down and got a Dominos pizza thinking I would eat two slices. I ate the whole thing and fell asleep again.
I am really hot.
Thursday, July 24, 2008
she is my bestest friend in the whole wide world. she is my favouritest human. and i happened too meet her at the dumbest job ever, at miss mauds. thats right folks, we did have too wear that gay uniform and NO you cant buy one for youre girlfriend you gary.
as soon as we met we bonded instantly (mustve been all thoose frills and swedish pillow fights) and we have been inseprable ever since.
i will proceed too liken our friendship too this phrase which i created "two bodies, one mind"
there was also this one other occasion which involved alot of masking tape, felt tips and the crux of the situation being i was the weinor too her womanly bits (you know, if you have one you kind of need the other one)
this is jacqui with her boyfriend lloyd hughes. they are the cutest thing youve ever seen! lloyd is a really nice boy and i am glad they are together because they are both amazingly great.
once, when i was dating this boy jacqui went up too him when i wasnt there and was all "if you hurt nina ill rip youre eyeballs out of youre skull and fuck youre eyesockets."
maybe not in thoose exzact words, but she did give her infamous 'death look' and then the boy told me about it and i was all warm and fuzzy on the inside.
this is bowser giving jacqui a hifive. as soon as i saw this pic i was like "thats one for the myspace heroes section!" maybe bowser is hifiving jacqui in advance, seeing as it is her birthday this weekend. or maybe bowser just knows where its at and by hifiving jacqui he might have just touched a little piece of god, JC etc.
HAPPY BARFDAY JACQUILINE VAN GROOTEL!!!
lots of lob, nina
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
When my mum found out she was pregnant with me, she was baffled.
She went home and was staring at her birth control pills wondering "how did this happen?".
Then my brother, who would have been about three at the time came in, pointed at the pills and said "those are the pills you take when you don't want to have babies" to which my mum replied "yes".
"I've been taking them" he said "I don't want to have a baby".
So now my mum has both an unwanted girl and a son with a hormone problem.
Best. Family. Ever.
Monday, July 21, 2008
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
Click on this. Enjoy the fruits of my labour. It will change your life.
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
Notable Yacht Rockers include Kenny Loggins (who went on to produce some of the greatest movie theme songs ever. See: "Danger Zone" from Top Gun, "Footloose" from um, Footloose, and the Caddyshack theme) The Doobie Brothers, Hall + Oates, Christopher Cross, Steely Dan, and The Eagles. Almost everyone that was a Yacht Rocker had a beard. Most of them wore captains hats at some point.**
I've put together a little playlist that I urge everyone to immediately go and download/buy/steal/borrow off your parents. Listen to it in on the first day of Spring. You know, that day when the sun is just starting to warm up, and you're aching for the heat and icy poles and you haven't turned into that cunt that whinges about how hot it is yet.
GRACEY'S YACHT ROCK PLAYLIST #1
Captain + Tenille - Love Will Keep Us Together
The Doobie Brothers - What a Fool Believes
Christopher Cross - Sailing
Hall + Oates - I Can't Go For That
Kenny Loggins - This Is It
Steely Dan - Hey Nineteen
Player - Baby Come Back
Mr Mister - Broken Wings
Toto - Rosanna
The Doobie Brothers - Takin' It To The Streets
Robby Dupree - Steal Away
* Just For Fun Outlandish Statement Number 1
** Just For Fun Outlandish Statement Number 2
it couldve been a jens leckmen hit but it didnt make the cut.
youres truly, nina
Monday, July 14, 2008
LeToyas and LaTavias
There are always going to be shit bitches in the world that you have had to cut loose at one point in your days travelling down the highway reaching checkpoints of self titled debut, to sophomore breakthough and eventual solo world domination. This isn't gender specific, and there are nights when it is like they are all having a convention at the party/bar/club/late night chinese restaurant that you are at. It's alright, girlfriend. You got your Beyonces wit' you, and odds are you got your Jay-Z's too. Throw a dirty look or two, or if you really want to get up in grill-land, a well-placed and timed "DIRTY WHORE" can bring their bravado crumbling down like an outfit not sewn by Momma Knowles. If you are drank you are allowed to throw glasses as a last resort but it is important to have your Beyonces around you when you do this, so they can difuse the situation while you sit on the likely very dirty ground giggling. Which brings me to the next rule.
Taking Care of Drank Beyonces/Sipping on the Sizzurp
If yo gal is d-r-a-n-k, there are a few things you need to remember. Btw, this is not "mommy's had a few too many cocktails and is now dancing" drank, this is serious drank. If she is tipsy, she can take care of herself, she don't need a mom, she usually got one of her own. I'm talking boobs out of dress, falling over and hitting head on the corner of speakers/bars, about to go home with a guy with one of those gay heartagram tattoos drank. (First rule: don't let her do any of those, and if she has, keep it secret forevs.) If she's about to get into a fight, take her away from it and get her straight up to the bathroom. This will distract her and make her forget all about the fight. Drunk Beyonces LOVE the bathroom for a few reasons like a) it's more often than not the one place where your other Beyonces can hear your drunken ramblings properly as it's quieter, b) MAC Red Lipstick touch-ups c) pissing (duh) and d) bathroom graffiti. If Beyonce is about to hookup with an unsavoury looking Jay-Z, get her to bathroom also, so you can get the full story and see whether your posse needs to unleash a group intervention, or wholeheartedly congratulate her and you can both sing the "Bitch Gonna Get Banged" song at ear-piercing level. If she's drank and won't quit draining her pints/goon/sizzurp/refreshing beverages like there's no tomorrow, a handy "Can I have a sip?" is generally the best option.
Beyonces love Jay-Zs, it's a well known fact, but searching for a make-out Jay-Z is fraught with danger, spesh if you have been sizzurping quite hard, or it is kinda late at Amps/Club Bay View/Scotsman. Shape doesn't count for make-outs for some reason, in fact I am racking my brain pretty darn hard here and I think that I haven't even made out once there (even though I think I have been there almost every weekend since it opened! Fuck. Either I am off my game (impossible) or I am having too much fun with my Beyonces (possible) or almost urr guy there is gross and in the just, well, dudes category or in my friends zone. (I think we have a winner)
Anyhow. If girlfriend is playing tonsil hockey with a clear no-go zone, wait until she gets up for some air and then drag her to the bathroom. You should already know the reasons for this one. If group intervention fails and girl goes home with said no-go zone, a gentle ribbing for the next few days is all that is allowed. Also, DON'T TELL UNLESS THE BEYONCE IN QUESTION HAS EXPRESSLY SAID YOU ALLOWED TO. This is mega important. Oh, and this whole paragraph does not count if the no-go zone was a recent ex boyfriend. You are not allowed to say anything if that happens because the Beyonce is ushe a) already kicking herself and does not need you to as well or b) might be getting back with him, in which case, you are the douche that just ragged all over her boyfriend. Shut yo trap until she comes to talk to you.
Also if yo gal has made out/banged a Jay-Z that you might be hovering around, you need to get their permission first! AND, if you know for a fact that your girl likes a dude, he is OFF LIMITS. He is not a Jay-Z anymore, he is a classic Weezy.
As for the friends Jay-Z's, there is nothing in their pickup arsenal more powerful than their Beyonces, and it is your duty to help them. All the dranks in the world cannot compete with a well placed "OMG! I've never seen him like this! He totally likes you!". (P.S. You should do that in the bathroom.)
Some other general rules of going out: cardboard boxes are heaps of fun to play with on stages and behind decks, props are always good, it helps when your friends own/run a bar, Mick Zing is awesome to get drank with and dancing is rad.
P.S. Why would you want to fight me anyway? I am a tough bitch. I am 5ft tall and will beat your ass and steal your boyfriend for my own purposes.
Saturday, July 12, 2008
listening too: DFA1979
mood: doctor help im feeling much like a mirror, reflective!!
if we dnt have a house by nxt w.e i an nt going out, im going to spend evevy minute on the net getn footloose on their faces. i cont just keep eating 5 high bacoo burgers and pretendcng its "okay" i miss you!
this is a text msg i sent too miss dewhurst last night in the depths of bourbon cola raging times. i was thinking that 6-8 weeks ago i started working mon-thu so that i could pursue my 'artistic endeavours' eg. illustration on the weekends.. but all i have actually done is spend an insane amount of money on getting off chops.
ive also spent much time under the shape hand dryer, soakin up the heat and much time at amps wishing they would play "girlfriend in a coma." but knowing that, deep within my heart they probably never would.
ive become a regular at fast eddys and i know all about getting mc america'd (thoose were the days)
ive seen alot. people wearing masks, people barfing on trees, people injuring themselves - and thats just my friends!
last night this dude told me "you look like the angriest girl ive everr seen." too which i replied "i probably am, my only goal in life right now is too drank my drank and find money on the floor." i think i also shouted "IM A RIOT GRRRL!!" it was clear he had higher hopes for me, i really have so much more too offer the world than just that. he grabbed my hand and lookeds into my eyes "we have too listen too what elton says, lets not speak for a minute, lets. just. listen.." hold me closer tiny dancer was playing and his face kept getting closer too mine, i think he even closed his eyes. i ripped my hand back and said "wtf. NO. i will not listen too what elton says, it is clear you are rediculously drunk and i would appreciate it muchly if you removed youre face from my personal bubble." then i walked off. drank in hand, humour in heart.
you see the thing is - im actually sort of a nice girl. i dont do charity work or anything like that but i always remember too say please and thankyou and if youre my friend i promise too be a fuckwit so you have someone too laugh at.
its like frogs y'know - the poisonous ones are brightly coloured so the other dumb asses wont try too eat it. i was blessed with a neutral face that resembles something like "axe murderer" or so im told. because really i just talk way too much and id have too cull some friends or something if i didnt have angry neutral face too fend em off.
maybe this whole blog is just too justify too myself that even though some HK dude called me an angry bitch and liked it that im not really an angry bitch at all. on friday i couldnt recall arriving at billy lees and i said "gracey i actually cant remember, whatd we do?" she said "i brought you some pall malls and you spent the rest of the walk laughing hystericly."
yeah, thats me.
youres sincerly, nina marie elliott'
PS// last night gracey taught me all about 'yacht rock' fckn BAM!
Gracey did not spit on that girl last night so don't try to start any beef. IT WAS ME! What happened was that I am a lady and I don't spit much. If I need to expel some saliva I go into a private room, turn off all the lights, put on music and discreetly pfft into a tissue and then burn it. I am not good at spitting on people, I haven't had any practice so don't laugh! So this dude thought me and Gracey were badmouthing some babe. We weren't, it was a misunderstanding, and everything was fine. But he kinda called me a "Target whore" even though I hadn't even said one word and so I decided to spit on him. It just came to me, that it what you are meant to do in situations like these. I got a little overexcited and didn't prepare right. It sprayed everywhere and probably hit around 10 people and not even that dude. So yeah, ummmm, don't beat Gracey up because I can't spit on target.
Love Clare xoxoxo
Friday, July 11, 2008
Today at my rully cool job I spent about an hour meticulously preparing a fluorescent assay of some sampz (samples) into one of these babies:
I even went so far as to evaporate interfering solvents under nitrogen, it was serious bizness. Some weird German people wanted to come visit our lab but got scared by the BIOHAZARD and PHYSICAL CONTAINMENT LEVEL 2 stickers all over our door. Then they saw me sans lab coat/gloves and also listening to some jams on my pod and probably got less scared. I do not look like I am bothered by biohazards. Anyway they were a distraction and I'm allergic to Germans. I got caught by surprise by a heinous sneeze and spattered my snot all over my plate! Experiment ruined.
Love from Clare in that one scene in Annie Hall xoxo
p.s. - I bet the dudes from that band We Are Scientists are like not actually scientists.
Thursday, July 10, 2008
BAM! cigarettes purchased, all is well.
but, on my way out i happened too walk through the myers exit. BIG MISTAKE. i had my usual lost look on my face (its permanant) when abruptly this woman stopped and asked if i needed some help.
i was trying too be nice "uh, well.. ummm i think.. no im fine thanks." anyway shes telling me about some new product or something, blowing my mind with this array of colours etc. oooh what a pretty bottle shes cooeing, as if shed never noticed the product shes selling before.
i was looking around, starting too get a bit annoyed when shes exclaiming loudly "its peach!"
i turned at her, looked her straight in the eyes and told her the honest truth "im really sorry but i have too go, ill come back tomorrow. i must return home URGENTLY because i left the dogs inside and they are going too piss everywhere."
i proceeded too walk briskly too the exit and opened my umbrella preparing too face mother nature, once again.
PS// dont worry when i got home the carpet was unsoiled, nothing was even chewed! phewph.
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
DISCERNING thieves have used a stolen Mercedes Benz to carry out a brazen ram-raid on an exclusive boutique in Perth's designer shopping strip this morning.
Police say two men wearing balaclavas reversed the silver Mercedes through the front window of the Gucci store on King Street at about 5:15am and grabbed expensive handbags from a window display before driving off.
The car was last seen heading towards Subiaco.
This news item is actually perfect. What a bunch of lords. I love it how they are 'discerning' and how the car was seen "heading towards Subiaco"
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
Sunday, July 6, 2008
That's a broken nose, and a whole bunch of facial contusions, thanks guys. The best part of that happening was when a kindly Aboriginal man took one look at me, and said I looked cold, conveniently neglecting to mention the blood all over my face/shirt. Thanks dude!
Then there was the 2 week period this year where I fell down a set of stairs that I walk up/down on average every 2 days, gave myself concussion by walking to the toilet in the middle of the night, getting my feet caught up in clothes, falling and hitting the corner of a concrete wall, and I got kicked off a bike at 3am near Amps.
This doesn't look that impressive, but that's because Spaks only took the photo of my face, instead of all over my hands and arms where I had been putting the blood. I asked some shit idiot for his beer outside Amps and he got angry at me when I used it to wash all m' O positive off me. Interesting sidenote, I got not ONE drop of blood on the peppermint green hoodie I was wearing at the time.
Then there was this. I was basically being a sick cunt, drinking Coops Red, standing up in a shopping trolley, when a Russian Lawyer kicked the trolley. You can guess what happened next.
That's right, I pretty much have 4 knees here. The Russian Lawyer felt really bad and he is in the Peace Corp now. Or the UN or something. I choose to believe that there is a direct correlation between that and him kicking me out of a Coles Trolley onto bricks. Interesting side note #2 - his high school girlfriend is this girl http://www.myspace.com/yaramusic
I think the injuries I have at the moment are probably the most severe - I'm used to the bruises, sprained ankles and bumps on my head that come with being an unco bitch, but like, Jesus, are you going to let up soon? I am currently nursing a pus fulled knee, a snapped off front tooth that was put back on with an "experimental" procedure that involved scraping most of the nerve out, sticking medicine on it and then jamming my tooth back on, 2 stitches in my mouth/lip that make me puff out like the niggerest nigger you have ever niggered and a broken calcaneus (ie heel bone, the worst thing to break apart from shattering your fucking knee.) Oh and I got a tetanus shot too on the weekend.
The rest of the year better be coming up Gracey. I am wishing to somehow get onto the confectionary track that Ben Menzies is on, for a super sweet, affordable, rad house in the next few weeks, and for basically urrthing cool to happen to me, ever.
After sifting through the many beautiful garments she finally found one that she liked: a little sailor costume. Here is a picture of the nautical beauty.
So we're walking around the store browsing the dildos and butt plugs as Clare tells me her plans for the suit, "I'm going to eat burgers in it, I'm going to sit at home and eat burgers". We get to the counter and C pops the dress down on and proclaims loud enough for the lady serving us to hear "Man, I'm going to get so many stains on this". I think she also heard me saying that I couldn't wait to get home so Clare could put it on.
It has been a few days now, the word has probably spread around Club X that Clare and I are lezzing the fuck out together and also into scat and golden showers or some crap. How will I ever show my face in there again?
Love from your mother, brother, secret lover,
whilst embarking on this un-adventure i decided it would be an excellent time too compose a list of helpful tips on the "art" of travelling.
tip #1. represent perth city, not perth shitty.
the weather of late has been pretty damn cold YET// still moments of glaring sun in youre eyes. pack accordingly eg. mittens and glasses. you probably dont need bumbags or visors unless you are deviating too a klaxons gig.
tip #2. enviro friendly bags are youre friend!
one of these at youre local supermarket will set you back around $4, if that. buy one and never look back. these babies will fit just about everything youll ever need in life. (alcohol too hide in alleyways, clothes so you dont get cold, books, calculators blah blah) and its nice too know that if you accidently spill shit on it/set it on fire/soil it you can easily go and purchase another.
tip #3. snacks.
when setting out on a journey that requires more than 3o minutes of being stationary i would suggest a light refreshment as a perfect way of keeping oneself in good spirits. since there are no refridgerator services avaliable on trains - yet i am still in need of some cheese flavoured fun im avoiding dairy and instead going for a le-snack and a packet of cheese&bacon balls. BAM! cheese fix covered. but take whatever you like, cashews, whatever.
tip #4. fun, entertainment and all that.
now that we have established general survival needs for the long haul youre probably also going too need some form of mental stimulation. i would strongly advise against sleeping - innnocent, sleeping people often become the victims of others rage and hate. i would suggest books, books are good. i chose some japanese manga. although i am yet too learn japanese the pictures are nice too look at and will ensure i am distracted enough that others wont try too engage in conversations with me or ask dumb questions. please dont give me this "if i read i feel sick" crap. that only happens when you look out the window while the vechile is moving. (PS. while youre reading you should be looking at the book, what school did you go to?) i like too make sure i have a constant supply of paper and pens. go on, impress youre friends. buy a moleskin!
happy travelling :)
Friday, July 4, 2008
This was basically me, last night. Except approx. 1 more litre of blood. And me being a girl and shit. I now have no right front tooth. The triage nurses were pretty impressed about how rough, rugged and raw I am. Coming into emergency, looking like a battered wife, with a giant red cast on my leg. I was actually wearing a wife beater, also, covered in dirt and blood. Ironic, huh.
Fuck you, crutches. Fuck you, rain. Combined you make a lethal weapon that involves me sitting on Cameron Stack's lap in the front seat of a 1960's Citroen that weighs about as much as a can of sardines, crying my eyes out and using an LA do-rag to mop up the copious amounts of blood gushing from my mouth. What up, Royal Perth. Cheers for the stitches and the fact that I sat there waiting for treatment in the corrider of the Emergency Room for 3 hours because my Dr. slipped over and sprained her little weinor ankle, which obviously rated high above me.
I think today to cheer myself up I might do a photo shoot of the C.O.D. eating a bucket of chicken with me with no front tooth. Right before I spend excruciating hours at the dentist at 2pm. Better get as many photo shots of me being a gap toothed bitch in as I possibly can in the next 2 hours. Hit me on my digits if you want to partake. Obviously you all do.
I met her at the Mundaring Hotel. She is pretty much the ultimate Beyonce. Things Alexi has done that I think are rad:
- Thrown plates at a dude walking along the street while driving
- Broke up with someone by saying "I hope a bus runs over your face, you Mr Burns lookalike"
- Pooped on top of a car to get back at some fuckwit who did something horrible to one of her friends
- Rescued me from many insane situations with my ex boyfriend
- Ditched a used tampon at someone
- Pashed a dude at Manor and then shouting "YOU TASTE LIKE GARLIC" at him
- Written Carole King lyrics all over toilet doors in the Mojos bathroom
- Once got fingered at Amps
At one grand point early last year, urrthing was right with the world and her and Cameron Stack started dating. It was quite possibly the greatest coupling in the history of the universe forever. She is London and has been there for about 18 months now. I fucking miss her so much it hurts.
Thursday, July 3, 2008
french souviners; everybody seems too go too paris at some point so they usually bring me back awesome souviners. usually in the form of keychains, postcards, french zines and comics. am yet too recieve a snowglobe, i should defiently go myself one day so i can get a collection going but for now i am in perth - alas.
casper costume; i once saw a movie where a little boy stole almost this exzact costume. from then on i knew that owning one of these would show the world "I AM A FULLSTEPPER! simply no halfstepping."
personalised pens; ive always wanted personalised stationary, notecards, stickers etc. but it wasnt destined too be. my name is never there. id be rifling through the racks like a junkie without his fix, but too no avail. n-i-n-a was never there. maybe its because my initials are N.M.E and that is like, satan spawn.
alex the kid; the final chapter in "things i like" and possibly the greatest chapter too date. this game was built in too youre trusty SEGA game console. you just dont see quality like that these days!!
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
Anyway, this list encompasses but is not confined to:
- Bitches that yr ex boyfriend/boyfriend slept with when you were on a "break". This one is fairly self explanatory really. Double hate if they knew you, or were friends. This hate is usually on a sliding level, can go up to throwing glasses at them, but is usually around the "ignore they exist" or "giving each other evils" stage.
- Ex Best Friends. duh. No brainer, really.
- Ex Boyfriends. See ex best friends.
- Slappers that have slept with all of your male friends, plus the majority of your male friends that you haven't met yet, plus your ex boyfriends, who also lie about how they slept with your boyfriend when you were dating him, oh oh, and sleep with the guy you're seeing on Valentines Day and then deny they knew you were dating him. What up *****? Strange thing about this breed is they constantly corner you and your Beyonces while you're out and demand to know why you're being cold. You wonder why we don't like you? I once got so angry with this bint that I accidentally gave her my index finger instead of my middle finger and she actually looked up. That was hecka funny.
- Girls that live in your parents house for free while constantly taking advantage of them/you, and then date your best friends ex boyfriend after constantly reassuring them that "they really wouldn't do that, because your friendship means way to much". Oh, and they throw glasses at you when they're drunk. Plus they're foreign. What up *******? Go back to wherever you came from. And stop wearing berets, they look really stupid.
I am the most attractive, classy woman in the entire world. The red wine balanced on my beer gut? The chipped nail polish? The fur coat? The bag where the leather is so worn it is basically material? The cigarette? Dating a guy wearing a Helly Hansen jacket?
God, I amaze myself. I wish I was still 17. That year was rad.