Tuesday, June 30, 2009

So Hard For The Money

Most of the time, getting a job is really easy. You like, give someone a resume and tell lies in the interview (I am a team player! I can work independently! My only fault is I care too much!!) and before you know it you are nestled quietly in customers' assholes. A while ago I had a group interview to get my old job back. Boring background: I worked a shitty retail job and then the company that employed me outsourced their casual staff management.

The new company has one deal: they manage causal employees working in retail. That's their job. They're not involved in retail in any other way.

So obviously they're gonna be INNOVATIVE and QUIRKY in their management because it's all they do. They are gonna conduct CHALLENGING and CREATIVE interviews. I didn't realise this until I got to my stupid interview, mainly because I had an exam the next day, my brain was hurting my feelings and the only people I'd talked to in the past couple days was my dogs (haaaayyy guuuyyyysss, quit humping each other). That being said, I really wanted my old job back. It's hard to find ones where you can play Guitar Hero for an hour without anyone noticing. I'm willing to sell my soul to the interviewer.

I turned up in jeans and a blouse, and make-up, which was a big deal considering I have been wearing the same pair of leggings for approx five days. There are 7 other girls there who are breaking my heart with their pretty. They have slouchy handbags and all are wearing high heels, cork soles and all. I thought I did really good at dressing like a norm but now I see I am epic fail fail fail.

I have to fill out an introduction sheet, which I don't realise I'll later have to present to the room. First question: Use an adjective, starting with the first letter of your name, to describe yourself. The example was: Bubbly Brenda. Me: Don't say cocksucker Clare don't say cocksucker Clare. I said Clever Clare. I couldn't think of anything else that wasn't dirty (cunnilingus Clare?).

The other questions were things like (no jokes) "what would your best friend describe you as at a social occasion?" and "describe your most embarrassing moment!!". It basically was a Dolly magazine quiz, I was fully prepared for the next question to be are YOU ready for sex? Anyway, the interviewer totally believed all my big fat lies (what was your most challenging customer service experience?) and I got the job. When I got home I had a nap. The interview lasted two hours and involved creative role playing. I was a business man trying to order a cheezeburger at a chinese restaurant. Ok.

I kinda thought that would be it you know? Like, maybe these people would train me for an hour (this is how you say "That shirt looks nice!") then off I go, you know, considering I've been doing this job since January. DEAD WRONG CLARE. The company is in Melbourne. Just this week I have had a million emails, 10-way conference calls, express post deliveries and encouraging SMSs. I haven't even started yet.

Here's the kinda stuff they thinks it's vital that I know:

You should really click on that picture to get a load of the guy taking a load in the Venn diagram. I'm totally gonna ask all the adlays racking Nautica whether they have an emotional connection to water.

Cool. So in addition to hearing "Ben Sherman is a punk rock brand!!" about a million times, I just found out that I'm getting paid a whopping $17.88 per hour. The last time I made that little was when I was 18. The company's incentives for me to work hard is apparently I get to call myself a "ZOD" when I like, sell a lot of shit. I way prefer useless rhetoric over cash in my hand any day. The prestige!! I kinda felt bad about skipping out on the middle of my shift to get cocktails at Myplace before, but now I won't.


Love Clare xoxo

1 comment:

Jane Donut said...

ZOD? Like superman villian?