Tuesday, June 30, 2009
The new company has one deal: they manage causal employees working in retail. That's their job. They're not involved in retail in any other way.
So obviously they're gonna be INNOVATIVE and QUIRKY in their management because it's all they do. They are gonna conduct CHALLENGING and CREATIVE interviews. I didn't realise this until I got to my stupid interview, mainly because I had an exam the next day, my brain was hurting my feelings and the only people I'd talked to in the past couple days was my dogs (haaaayyy guuuyyyysss, quit humping each other). That being said, I really wanted my old job back. It's hard to find ones where you can play Guitar Hero for an hour without anyone noticing. I'm willing to sell my soul to the interviewer.
I turned up in jeans and a blouse, and make-up, which was a big deal considering I have been wearing the same pair of leggings for approx five days. There are 7 other girls there who are breaking my heart with their pretty. They have slouchy handbags and all are wearing high heels, cork soles and all. I thought I did really good at dressing like a norm but now I see I am epic fail fail fail.
I have to fill out an introduction sheet, which I don't realise I'll later have to present to the room. First question: Use an adjective, starting with the first letter of your name, to describe yourself. The example was: Bubbly Brenda. Me: Don't say cocksucker Clare don't say cocksucker Clare. I said Clever Clare. I couldn't think of anything else that wasn't dirty (cunnilingus Clare?).
The other questions were things like (no jokes) "what would your best friend describe you as at a social occasion?" and "describe your most embarrassing moment!!". It basically was a Dolly magazine quiz, I was fully prepared for the next question to be are YOU ready for sex? Anyway, the interviewer totally believed all my big fat lies (what was your most challenging customer service experience?) and I got the job. When I got home I had a nap. The interview lasted two hours and involved creative role playing. I was a business man trying to order a cheezeburger at a chinese restaurant. Ok.
I kinda thought that would be it you know? Like, maybe these people would train me for an hour (this is how you say "That shirt looks nice!") then off I go, you know, considering I've been doing this job since January. DEAD WRONG CLARE. The company is in Melbourne. Just this week I have had a million emails, 10-way conference calls, express post deliveries and encouraging SMSs. I haven't even started yet.
Here's the kinda stuff they thinks it's vital that I know:
You should really click on that picture to get a load of the guy taking a load in the Venn diagram. I'm totally gonna ask all the adlays racking Nautica whether they have an emotional connection to water.
Cool. So in addition to hearing "Ben Sherman is a punk rock brand!!" about a million times, I just found out that I'm getting paid a whopping $17.88 per hour. The last time I made that little was when I was 18. The company's incentives for me to work hard is apparently I get to call myself a "ZOD" when I like, sell a lot of shit. I way prefer useless rhetoric over cash in my hand any day. The prestige!! I kinda felt bad about skipping out on the middle of my shift to get cocktails at Myplace before, but now I won't.
Love Clare xoxo
Sunday, June 28, 2009
Saturday, June 27, 2009
Rubbing asses with South African babes. We will be better real soon, promise.
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
At the end of the day, it was a pleasure to spend another day with my trance family. I will end by painting a picture for all fence-sitters that are yet to don the dancing shoes to the euphoric sounds of trance. We are a simple community of vastly different individuals looking to belong; bound by the music we love and open to new friends. A community where a stranger is a freind, a friend is an 'accidental' make-out buddy, and, best of all, your close friends transition to family. After all, that is what we are: a family. A group of people who, whilst not all getting along perfectly, share a deep bond that outsiders may never understand. This is why I encourage each and every one of you to put any misconceptions of the dance music community aside and join us, if only for one night. You will be greeted with a warm smile, a hug and a night you will never forget; if you can only manage to remember it.
Well, you've convinced me!
Monday, June 15, 2009
Thursday, June 11, 2009
The most viewed of my pictures?
As a scientist, I've conducted research and determined the reason behind this increased viewing, and displayed it in a diagram below:
Love Clare xoxoxo
p.s.: To dear the girl on the far left of that photo: I met you that night and I've never seen you again since. You were really really funny and had a rad TankGirl haircut. Where have you been? :( :( :(
1. Throw away your diary, replace it with TV Guide
2. To make yourself feel better pretend your job is watching TV
3. Start a dream diary (if you are lucky this will take up a good two hours after you have woken up)
4. Eat as much ice cream as humanly possible
5. Read the crappiest books you can find
6. Get crushes on boys/girls you don't know, plot how you might stalk them
7. Spend a lot of time worrying about North Korea, imagine what you would do if World War Three broke out (IE: quit uni, boff everyone, get hammered all the time, become a crazy vigilante etc)
Follow these guidelines and the time will pass like it ain't no thang and you will have little to no time to ponder your failures as a human being.
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
Yeah, the motherfucking Australian AIDS campaign scarred me for life. It was only when I somehow saw some of this commercial in high school that I realised where my nightmarez came from. Tonight was the first time I've seen the thing the whole way through, I want to cry. Anyway, in case you guys were interested, I've been illogically terrfied of AIDS my whole life:
- me, age 8, convinced I had AIDS because I used a public toilet somewhere near Kalbarri that said BEWARE AIDS VIRUS ON THIS TOILET SEAT and didn't notice till I'd already gone.
- Then saw a program age 9 on the ABC about it can be up to 10 years before HIV turns into AIDS. Thought I would be 10 years till I would be in the clear.
- went through the rest of primary school thinking I was gonna die, too scared to tell anyone.
- I couldn't even watch the whole of Outbreak because it mentions AIDS at the start.
- jump forward approx. 10 years, every time I have sex, unprotected or not: HIV+.
Cool. In related news: It has been medically proven that I currently do not have HIV. It does weird me out that HIV is such a recent virus and you know, that only 25 years ago I could have been rawdogging like it ain't no thing. I think I'm gonna write a screenplay where AIDS becomes an air borne virus. Starring Dustin Hoffman.
Love Clare xoxo
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
I really hate people that have a tiny bit of intelligence and think they are the be all and end fucking all of that opinion. I know I am middle-class when it comes to brains. On some subjects I am that family that had a big house before some girl called Amy came to shoot the husband on Long Island, and on some subjects I am basically Cletus.
The thing is - I thought there were things that us young, educated, lower to upper middle class kids agreed on (apart from the "special ones")
- The Death Penalty (If I was smart enough at the internet I would do a cross here.)
- Abortion (See above but a tick)
- Gays getting married (I'm all for it, means I got more fingers to look at when I'm choozin')
- Other stuff
Monday, June 8, 2009
Basically talking about houses but instead of being positive and upbeat like AM I'm going to rag on a couple of ugly houses.
This is an incredibly ugly expensive mansion situated in Crawley/Dalkeith that was probably built in the last 10 years. Notice how big and ugly it is? Do you think maybe the owners are standing behind that tinted glass looking at me saying "look, that girl is admiring our lovely house, thank goodness we dropped millions on building it"
Actually I don't know how Andrew does this taking photos of houses thing all the time, I feel like such a complete terrorist/burglar. Am dressed all in black with large camera and a bit jittery from not sleeping. I think they are more likely to mistake me for Michael Cera than a terrorist. You know in that awful movie where they namedrop a bunch of indie bands?..no not Juno, the other one. I mean, shit if I wanted to waste two hours of my life listening to people that are cooler than me drop the names of obscure bands, I'd go hang out with Perth's hipster royalty.
Now this one isn't totally awful, it's pretty vile but but its true ugliness (like me) lies on the inside.
Wait! It gets worse!
I just threw up a little bit! And the house has just been sold! Who would buy this tasteless piece of trash? I've seen more style in my poo! Boooo!
Now this is a pretty house
It is Gallop House and is heritage listed for reasons that I could look up and tell you but won't. It is open to the public on Sundays and public holidays yet I haven't been because it seems like an entirely sad and pathetic thing to do on a Sunday all by myself, and I know that if I axe my friends to come they will make fun of me for wanting to spend a Sunday on such a gay/married person outing. And anyway, all my Sundays appear to booked up solid with barfing up blood.
This is my boat, The Almighty Tampon!!!
Just kidding, I bought it for my sister as a puberty present. Just Kidding it's not my boat at all. It's not even a boat. Just kidding.
So I went for a walk at 7am after staying up all night reading a book which I will not name (suffice to say that is is more embarrassing than reading Twilight but less embarrassing than reading a Jodi Piccoult book). So I was pretty disoriented during said walk, I almost asked a pair of youths to teach me how to play soccer then had a 15 minute long fantasy where I was really great at it (at soccer, not at asking youths questions). To tell you the truth I'm still a bit out of sorts.
In unrelated news I was at my parents house the other day when my mum says "Oh Gemma, I've found you a new boyfriend" so I'm thinking shit, she's finally become one of those mothers who tries to set you up with their dentist or some dude they've met at a Weight Watchers meeting.
G: Oh yeah who it is?
M: Josh Thomas
G: Who the fuck is Josh Thomas?
M: You know, the boy from the TV
She means that dude from Talkin' 'bout your generation. Wonderful, even my mum has picked up on my predilection for indie wieners.
I would say that, in general, my taste in books is crazy sexy dirty super backless 80s leather retro vintage wow (creds to Kat for me using that phrase 24/7). Sometimes I'm in the mood for something more highbrow, but only when I'm "depressed" (i.e. bored). I think, in general, I am in a really good position to recommend classics that anyone would and could like! This is pretty much just me listing obvious books that meet my seal of approval. Here I go, in order of what I see on my bookshelf first:
1. The Lovely Bones by Alice Sebold.
Hahahaha, just joking. I haven't read The Lovely Bones, I don't know why I would lie about that.
2. The Catcher In the Rye/Franny and Zooey by J.D. Salinger
I was going to make this a joke too, because it's kind of embarrassing to recommend something like this, you know? It's like, geez, everyone was 15 once too. When I was 15 I was also reading Leonard Cohen's Beautiful Losers and Douglas Copeland's Girlfriend In A Coma. I was "gay". Anyway don't let anyone see you reading this book. It's about girls and being a hater. P.S. Salinger, not a recluse anymore/still a recluse anymore!
3. On the Road by Jack Kerouac
"I was put on this earth to be excited". That's not a quote from the book but it applies. I was really nice person whilst reading this book. Be prepared to be "pumped!!" about everything and for no one else to share your enthusiasm. This book is about having fun 24/7 and getting messed up and jazz and hot babes. FYI, most books about "The American Dream" are great.
4.Breakfast at Tiffany's by Truman Capote
You may think this is a stupid book for girls in 50s COCKTAIL DRESSES CAT-EYE GLASSES WOW. It's not. It's about ugly dudes who obsess over slutty hotties who have problems. It's a winner. Also recommended by this author: In Cold Blood. About real life murders! I think he collaborated with Dean Koontz on this, idk.
5. Of Mice and Men by John Steinback
This is a book to read in one night. Did you like The Shawshank Redemption/The Green Mile? Of course you did, because 100% of the population loves those movies. This is the original book that inspired the movie, except with a different storyline!
6. The Great Gatsby - F. Scott Fitzgerald
How many American high school seniors quoted the last passage in this book at their corny graduation ceromonies? Like one billion. It is even more perfect for the occasion than Vitamin C's classic "Friends Forever". Or Green Day's "Time of Your Life". This is about book about rich people, parties, social whores, etc.
7. American Pscyho - Bret Easton Elis
I just put his most famous book there, but you can read any of this guy's stuff. This is another one of those "American Dream" books, but 80s style, and with stuffing rats up women's vaginas. I think the sex scenes in this are really fucking hot, you know, before the bitches die. Oops spoiler! I did a get a boner though. You learn a lot about Phil Collins.
8. The Outsider - Albert Camus
I think wrote an essay on this in year 11 and quoted The Cure. I wish I could punch myself in the face. The French still hate Arabs!! This is a book about emptiness, and a really sad dog story, and doin' time.
9. The Unbearable Lightness of Being - Milan Kundera
JK LOL. This is the exact opposite of the type of book I am trying to recommend. I did actually like this book, but don't tell anybody apart from the entire internet.
10. Bukowski Henry Chinaski books
This includes Post Office, Ham on Rye etc. The best example of how Bukowski writes (which I can't quote exact cause RAB has my copy) is when Henry goes into this broad's house for some innocent reason. She's all "Rape! Rape!" and the narration of the book goes "So I did". Classic! Henry is all about bitches and how much they suck, jobs and how they suck, everything and how it sucks, and getting drank and how it rules.
11. Kurt Vonnegut, any of the big names (Breakfast of Champions, Slaughterhouse Five etc)
Some Vonnegut books have dirty pictures!! They are about time and how it's NOT REAL, and dying, Kilgore Trout and it's a crazy jayz B movie super spaceship ride!!
12. To Kill A Mockingbird - Harper Lee
This is another book that is about The Green Mile/Shawshank Redemption. It's also about lil girls.
When I unpack all my books, I can do another dirty book list. If you want me to tell you whether a book is exciting enough to read, let me know and I'll review it for you in a sentence.
Love Clare xoxo
Sunday, June 7, 2009
Saturday, June 6, 2009
First I found this article on McSweeney's which made me do a bit of a wee.
His name is Pasha Malla and he is way better at giving advice than me.
Question: How do I know if a girl loves me or not? —Ajay
Answer: If one night you go out drinking and end up back at her place, pass out together on the bed with your shoes on, and wake up a few hours later only to discover that you’ve peed the bed, which she takes in stride, changes the sheets, and then the next morning has a laugh about it, later leaves some pamphlets from the local health clinic about child bedwetters in your mailbox, and eventually after a few weeks tells your friends but never, ever tells hers: She loves you.
I have to stop getting crushes on people off the Internet, like that time I added Asher Sarlin on myspace which probably creeped him out almost as much as the email I sent along with the friend request.
Love from Doney
Ps. Seriously if you are bored click on the first link to the McSweeney's article, it's rally great.
Friday, June 5, 2009
Now this blog may betray me in that it lets everyone know that not only did I NOT go out last night but I stayed up watching Rage.
This clip just bugs me so fucking much.
Manchester Orchestra - "I've Got Friends"
I feel like it is everything that is wrong with hipsters right now.
Firstly, why is everyone wearing glasses, do they come from a magical land where macular degeneration reigns supreme?
The main characters are a boy and a girl who both look Asian but might not be. They are looking at Polaroids when the dude gets attacked by a bear (man in bear suit) and dies.
She goes to the cemetery to visit his grave while holding his obnoxious (probs lensless) glasses.
Everything but her is in sepia. The dude's spirit pops out of the grave, him and the decidedly ugly band members chase her, so does the bear. The bear turns out to be a dude in a bear suit. I don't get it.
So let's recap
hipster cliches include:
- People who look Asian but might just be trying really hard to look Asian
- gigantic glasses that they probs don't even need.
- people in animal suits
- ugly band members with beards
I don't know why it got me so mad. Maybe I'm jealous of people who have no shame because I have been burdened with so much of it.
Thursday, June 4, 2009
"The trend of using part-time and casual workers in Australia has to stop. Women returning to the workforce after having children are also causing inconvenience to the public by not being up to date with technological change. Consumers are having to deal with employees who don't know their products or are making simple mistakes which take time and resources to remedy."
Hahahaha. I am really excited to see the replies to this letter over the next couple days. This guy is REALLY old. I think I have served approx a million dudes like him at my myriad of shitty retail jobs (that I work part-time at! to support myself while I study! should probably just get centrelink so as to not to disturb the public!). He is this guy:
Alan: Hello miss, I am looking for a sweater/book/CD.
Me: Sure thing. What kind of sweater/book/CD? How much are you looking to spend?
Alan: I'm not sure really.
Me: Do you want me to hold your hand and point out every single sweater/book/CD in the whole of the fucking store and see if you like it when I could be eating candy in the stockroom?
Alan: Oh yes.
Uh yeah guy, I know that my life is meant to be about pushing products at you until you get confused enough to buy one, but I hate consumers that don't know what they want. I'm not even gonna touch the "women are too dumb to catch up on like 2 months of technological change" thing. RAB asked me what my dream job would be. I said trust fund kid OR worker's comp that lasts for infinity but I don't have any obvious disabilities.
Love Clare xoxo
p.s. - We have been giving your dad oral @ www.chroniclesofdardia.com for one whole year now!!
Gladiator sandals are pretty hard to deal with full stop. They go on my list of footwear that makes me go "I don't know about you as a person" if I see someone wearing them. Other items on the list are pretty obvious: havianas not at the beach, ugg boots not in the privacy of your own home etc. It's all about context. Nike gladiator sandals are either a really hilarious in-joke, like on a girl who's all "These are gross, I know. Isn't it funny??" or they are the things my puke is made of (apart from like one million Reece's Pieces, I can't eat them anymore). I don't know. Do you know?
Love Clare xoxo
Examples of special rules are:
- Appropriate Wizard Lingo must be used whenever possible:
- "I'm feeling drunk" = "I'm feeling wise"
- "I need another beer" = "I need to Level Up"
BYO towel to be made into a cape when you achieve wizard status. See you cunts on Saturday.