Monday, June 30, 2008
Fuck I miss my Bayswater house. I can see so many of my favourite things in this picture. Like my Dad's Favourite Swingin Rock n Roll cd, next to my typewriter. And the box I put wallpaper all over when I was stoned and trying to be "crafty". And my collection of SVH Books. I think I had just gotten that giant tv too. My Gucci jumper is pretty rad also, I wonder where that went? I think it disappeared into Cameron Stack's bedroom at some point and I never got it back. I wonder if you googled Cameron Stack's name, how many entries from this blog would come up? I might test it now.
HAHA, Oh god. http://brianstack.blogspot.com/2007/12/my-first-post-by-cameron-stack.html
Bah, it takes 3 pages for it to even turn up. Cameron Stack, Cameron Stack, Cameron Stack.
That's right. Our favourite place to listen to tasty treats, drink dranks and stay out till dawn was in fact the victim of terrorists. You might have seen the ads warning us to look out for people lurking around sheds in the middle of night, people carrying bags of fertiliser, suspicious packages and the like, but did anyone think about THESE?
Obviously we should start arresting anyone who has a subscription to MAD magazine and still says "NOT" at the end of sentences and detaining them for up to 24 hours to question them over suspected activities. Who the fuck lets off stink bombs in the middle of a packed night club?
This guy (Maurice Fulton for the uninitiated) was all "ZIS IS DISGUZTING!", turned the sound off, and booted off to his hotel with some girls. Upstairs had to be closed, which was okay because the Institubes guys were hell drunk and busy letting groupies sing Daft Punk hooks into the microphone and turning the sound off so urrbody got to hear the full brunt of their voices.
In conclusion, whoever lets off stink bombs at a packed nightclub is either a giant jerk, or an evil genius, I haven't decided yet.
P.S. Cameron Stack stayed the whole night at Shape, and didn't even go to Amps! Wowzers!
Sunday, June 29, 2008
this was an event i held at my house ( roughly 11 months ago) too celebrate the never ending goodness created by dairy products eg. cheese! the preperation for this party took a couple of hours, first i sourced a variety of cheese’s and began the pre party antics by making hand written flags too identify the various cheese’s. i then choose the essential (and my personal favourite) cheddar too make tiny cheese kebabs with cherry tomatoes and spring valley sweet gherkins (epic). with the rest of the cheddar block at my disposal i then proceeded too carve pacman shaped cheese snacks and arranged them in an exciting, yet functional way ontoo the table.. along with an array of condiments too satisfy every guests needs.
will definetly hold the second edition when miss dewhurst and i find a new house (which will be very soon im hoping)
Friday, June 27, 2008
thats right, im talking about mi goreng. or "the food of gods. and struggling youth". take one packet of this and add criminal amounts of cheese (i would recommend parmasen or a tasty cheddar, cost effective AND tasty) cracked pepper and soy sauce.
BINGO! you win at life.
PS// my sister had a really salient ellaboration last weekend. she said "yeah i had a good night out." i said "what did you do?" she said "cant really remember but i know i had a good night out cause i got kicked out of 3 clubs, one i hadnt even gone into yet and i spent heaps of money on ringtones."
Thursday, June 26, 2008
James is pretty rad. He has a permanent crip-walk from when concrete fell on his legs when he was 3, which is hecka gangsta. He also has one of the most soothing voices in the entire world, which makes him sound like he is even more of a babe than he already is. Mostly he talks in random string along sentences, telling stories which usually end up with him either falling off a "cliff" or somehow being in a fountain and whenever we question the validity or ask for clarification on a point, he usually does this at us.
James used to go to TAFE last year, and one day he was quietly eating his lunch when he noticed a guy dressed up as one of these.
Well, he kinda thought this was a bit odd, and starting walking off. The dude dressed as a dalek starting following him, waving extremeties, yelling "EXTERMINATE, EXTERMINATE." Then the dalek started blocking his path as he walked. James started getting a bit frustrated. Then the dalek said in his dalek voice "Move. Dickhead."
James was really pissed off by now, but he just kept trying to get around him and keep walking, vowing to walk away. Then the dalek scuffed his air max, so James "dropped knowledge on him in the form of a punch to the chassy" and told him to not start intergalactic beef that he couldn't handle. After this happened some emo's came running across the road yelling "THAT'S EXPENSIVE!! THAT'S EXPENSIVE!" and James walked away from the whole mess, scratching his head.
It wasn't until later on that he was actually told that it was some shitty Tafe hidden camera show for some assignment. Apparantly when James started getting REALLY angry after his shoe was scuffed, whoever was in contact with the dalek was yelling "ABORT ABORT. HE LOOKS CRAZY"
p.s. here is a bonus shot of James dressed as a fruity clown
Sunday, June 22, 2008
1. Tim Harrington, 2006
He was wearing pink socks, loafers and red running shorts. He was singing, yelling, pretending to fellate boys in the crowd. I was watching, laughing, nodding my head. We locked eyes. He pushed his sweaty face into mine and we kissed for 3 seconds during We'll Make A Lover Of You. We hi-5'd at the end of the night and he made fun of me for having my math homework in my bag. Then he said 'See you later C dog' and left the country. Top that anybody. You can't. There's never gonna be a number 2. R.I.P my heart.
Love Clare xoxoxo
But, I went to Shape anyway, for reasons including bar cards, and how much I like my friends and junk. For some unknown reason I decided to ingest a capsule containing a bunch of these.
Joshy and I used to hit this shit quite a bit back in the day, but we had some form of break after we took a bunch and this ended up happening.
Yes, you are seeing correctly. Brass and I took a limo to the beach in the middle of the day while very fucking high with a guy that looks like a figurine of George Michael. We had to do this because we thought my house was evil, and we couldn't be there anymore. Or even go inside it. Brass kept yelling DONT LOOK AT YOUR FINGERNAILS and other such shit. By the end of the day, he was sunburnt, I was desperately trying to get drunk and we went to dim sum not being able to talk.
Anyway, last night I sat around like a giant chump while watching ugly boys with crap hair standing around like chumps, pawing their faces while "SAUSAGE FEST" quite clearly rolled through their heads. It was the strangest night I have ever encountered ever, probably because every single person at Shape, the entire 360 capacity filled club, was the most fucked up they have ever been. I am not kidding. There were girls walking around in circles with dead eyes, other girls hiding behind corners, guys picking each other up (literally, like, in the air and shit), fat pissed girls in white sheer leggings screaming "I AM REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY FUCKED OFF MY FACE" and some dude that asked me for a cigarette because he was "gurning" and after he smoked it said he'd see me inside for some "rave". Oh and Ryan Boserio was there too, but he was the most amazing drunk guy I've ever seen. Ever.
I didn't think that the caps were working and Joshy told me that it was probably because I had taken too many. They did end up working, 3 hours after I took it and for quite a long period of time I forgot how to walk, talk, function, sit, stand, and who I was. Then this guy showed up and made it so much worse.
2 hours of sheer hell. I am gonna stick to Stones for a while I think.
I hope you are looking this sad because you feel really fucking bad about how you left your tripping friend ALONE and just booted off! But in reality you are probably giving a romantic look to some girl and she is falling in love with you or some shit. Jerk.
I only felt human again after this combination.
EDIT: As a bonus feature, here is a photo of me while I was in the depths of hell with Screech.
Saturday, June 21, 2008
Friday, June 20, 2008
here is a person by person breakdown of the people i usually work with:
S: used too date this boy who was obsessed with the smiths so is always down with my smiths and morrissey induced puns. once i caught her doing this thing that i could only describe as an indian courtship dance which led K into indian mating ritual. i almost peed.
K: is like the voice in my head constantly correcting me on the way i dont put the pen back into the spot the pen belongs and he says when i use the word "urrybody" it makes me seem '14 times less smarter than i really am'. whenever someone orders a milkshake we break into song.. milkshake brings all the boys too the yard etc. and i bang on the mikshake maker with a spoon while he shimmies.
Y: is not originally from australia and whenever she makes a joke it is like the most bluntest, harshest junk ive ever heard. customers always want her too be their wife cause she wows them with her big smile and amazing coffee but shes already married so get in line! the other day she asked me what the word 'dardy' ment.
I: recently got old enough too join J and i at amps on fridays (heck yes). she is the dardyest grrl ever and customers always ask her for her facebook. i was like "whatd you say too youre sugar daddy over there?" shes like "derr i actually dont have one" we high 5'd. the other day i told her if i was in a fight with her i would bodyslam her, thus crushing her ribcage and induce vomiting cause shes obviously bulimic. then i was like wait i think id bounce back of youre chest!! she said shed eat heaps of cheese and proceed too barf on me. i said i love you. never leave!
J: called in sick for work the other night and later on i caught him lobbing out at amps. last night he told me "ive never seen anyone do the running man better than me" his best friend agreed. so did i. all of lifes problems are solved via dance offs according too J. he dosent get what the deal with airlines supplying peanuts is.
co workers, co people, co humans, co friends.
i think she felt quite proud, doing it for the sisterhood and all you know?
PS// this morning i was reading 1001 greatest songs ever and the writer said in "i want you back" MJ brought 'bouncing passion'. can you imagine bringing thoose kind of attributes too the table? woah!
I was walking to 24 hour McD to get a burger when this car slowed down and unwound their window. I was prepared. But not prepared for a dude dressed as Flava Flava to throw his clock at me! I think it hit me in my guts. They drove off and probably yelled something, I donut know. I was kinda steaming anyway so when I got into the mega queue at McDs, I was bumming hard. Who the fuck gets hit with a clock.
The two dudes behind me in the queue tapped me on my shoulder. I turned around and they asked DO YOU HAVE THE TIME? and then started laffing hard. Totally the Flava Flav guys. It was a really clean pun to end the Flava Flav drive by and I think I actually laughed with them and said "That was amazing". Because it was.
Love Clare xoxo
Thursday, June 19, 2008
P.S. While writing this blog my brother informed me that everybody knew about this. Way to steal my thunder, jerk.
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
2. WalkerThis one is a bit Western Suburbs, but a lot of you are nodding your heads right now. I did a shit job of capturing his little Gumby legs and his sun stained stubbies and bonds shirt, but you know, MS Paint. I also forgot what is in his wheelbarrow, my mom says he paints sheets of carboard yellow but I think that's an urban myth. Anyway, BOMBSHELL! Walker lives around the corner from my parents' house with his son. He does his washing by lying out all his wet clothes on the driveway and letting the sun do its work. I respect that. People say he walks up and down Stirling Highway because he was diagnosed with blood clots in his legs, but I think it's probably more a Forrest Gump deal. Gemma's brother dressed up as Walker to a party once, A++.
3. Patriotic Lady on a BikeThis lady is really old, I drew wrinkles all over her face but you can't really see it. She's not as old as Walker but he is as old as time itself (approx). I normally see her along F line. She yells unintelligble things at people about Australia, all I've ever made out is AUSSIE AUSSIE AUSSIE OI OI OI, but I suspect she has a racist agenda. Bigot. I bet her mouth is hecka gummy.
Love Clare xoxo
JK, I just don't have the webbernet and I broke my laptop.
This post will centre around this supremely retarded human being
Her name is Grace and she is my sister.
Grace is a little high strung, Grace is prone to panic attacks.
A few months ago at 3am my parents found her sobbing outside their bedroom door, when they axed her what was wrong she replied "just promise me you guys are going to do something about global warming".
So naturally I convinced her that there was going to be a major economic recession soon.
"go to your school library and look up the Great Depression", I said "that's what it will be like".
I told her she will have to eat the fat that runs off the bacon of the Bourgeoisie, my sister: the only 10 year old who knows what the words 'Bourgeoisie' and 'Proletariat' mean. I'm not mean, it is just really funny.
Actually I am REALLY mean.
Once when the toilet overflowed she begged us to move house.
She is also obsessed with Zac Effron and sends me emails attesting to this fact. Some of these emails will be published here at a later date.
Jane Donut, AKA Gemma
Monday, June 16, 2008
Haha, Clare hulked out of this mummy costume a short time after this photo.
(Sidenote: They are not normally this hot.)
But the most irritating slapper of this sub-breed by far is the girl that constantly refers to a group of people as "The Boys" or "My Boys."
While being door-girl at Manor on Friday night, I came across a particular girl like this, a very fucking drunk girl who was trying to claim a coat out of coat-check. I was stone cold sober and irritated by the constant stream of fuckheads that kept walking past me and wasn't in the mood for any shit at all.
Girl: Gracey, Carn I pleeeeeeeeeeeze haf my cote, It is that one right there! *points*
Me: No. I know for a fact that isn't your coat, because I just checked it for one of my friends friends. 45 seconds ago.
Girl: Oh my goddddddd, why are you doing this to me, just give me my coteee
Me: No. It isn't your coat. Are you sure that it isn't this cheaper version of this coat? *points to another coat*
Girl: NO. IT IS THAT COAT. OH MY GOD WAIT TILL I TELL 'THE BOYS' ABOUT THIS.
She said all this with her hands on her hips.
Guess what cunt? The boys won't fucking care. They won't care at all. And a sidenote to all the other girls that are like this - Someone in the group that you call "the boys" either wants to fuck you, or nobody wants to fuck you and they keep you around so they can laugh at how dumb you are when you go home.
Friday, June 13, 2008
Thursday, June 12, 2008
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
anonoymous girl: whats wrong with yeeww
in ninas head: im casper! the friendly ghost! yeah!*
*PPS// notice how many exclamation marks i use, this is because i really was excited.
Also today I almost cried during Huey's Cooking Adventures. Like look at Huey. He has been wearing suspenders and has had a mustache for a long time, that is who he is. He likes to cook and make jokes. What a solid guy! What if in real life he doesn't have any friends? I couldn't deal.
That HBF ad where they show clips of people sucking at sports and it says LIVE LIFE WELL is cute too, it makes me water up. People are shit at ice skating but they still try! Never give up on your dreams!
In short, being a woman is really rad. You get to cry a lot and vote and junk.
Love Clare xoxoxo
That's right, I was basically this guy.
I worked for a dating agency. A fairly non descript building in West Perth housed the office, meeting rooms and foyer where my job was to convince stupid men to pay me lots and lots and lots and lots of money so that I could match their postcodes to equally as stupid women and then they could go on dates. Sometimes I would actually take into consideration what kind of person they were looking for, but most often not. Postcodes. That was the secret. Everybody likes somebody that lives near them, right? So that if it all goes to plan, coffee turns into drinks turns into dinner turns into wild sex at a location that's convenient to your own abode.
My definite favourite part was writing the singles ads for our "Priority" customers, which means I convinced them to give me $5500 for a 'year long membership including advertisements, a personal consultant and first pick of any available ladayz'. (Suckers.) GSOH, CUD OK, VGSOH, ALA, DISC DTM, SSAWOB.
Bet none of you dicks know what the majority of those mean!
P.S. Everybody go and pick up their local edition of the Community Newspaper Group. Ush delivered to your letterbox. They have the best singles ads in the history of the universe including "Herpes, 39, seeks same" and "Our eyes met at Bunnings Gosnells on Sunday. You = Red Sweatshirt. Me = Blue Jeans. I had the Ute that roared past you. Did you feel what I felt?"
P.P.S. I only just realised that I left my Lies and Hoes and Necro t-shirts on my washing line at Cowle St. Should I put together a covert ninja op where I reclaim them? Or leave them for the ages?
I swear all of them do some non-descript job in finance/advertising, they all admire their parents (literally, only two of them said something different in this part: Jamie Durie and Arnold Schwarzenegger, no jokes) and they look for partners with great smiles and GSOHs. Their interests are all hybrids of going to the beach/hanging out with 'mates'/playing sports/reading. It's all hecka posi!!! Love life!!
I can just imagine some 25 year old overtanned shit bitch looking through the hottie section and being all "Ohh, should I choose the one who likes going to the movies or the one who likes cars oooooo??! Whitney, what do you think?". The only good one was this dude who was totally obsessed with his dog but apart from that he was all rubz.
Jesus H Christ I am actually going to marry an orangutan when I grow up, at least they can't talk.
Love Clare xoxoxo
p.s. here is a glamour shot of me before a weekend out with the girls
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
much like me right now, never seen without my mittens on. except// my reason for the permenant hand in glove is a lot less heartwrenching and life changing. hes all " theyre nails and im a merman and you have too push me - the one you love off the jetty in a wheelchair so i can be with my mum cos shes a mermaid and we live in the sea".
im all "hi im nina, got myself a bad case of wind burn". reality - pish.
brought too you by pro cheddar, nina.
this is cameron on friday night, no wonder hes in all the magazines..
blog out & lob out! brought too you by pro cheddar, nina.
Monday, June 9, 2008
While Zingerburger isn't quite at the dardy level as Cameron, he's pretty close. Here he is getting totally macked on. Take note of the expression. You should emulate this at all times as well.
Again, like Cameron (actually thinking about it, like urrbody good, EVER.) Zing enjoys a bit o' a tipple.
In fact, at the greatest party that this world has ever seen (ie. The year 12 Perth Modern After Ball) Zing ingested quite a number of beverages. And woke up here.
TO BE CONTINUED.